Bus Stop JOW #769

I am back from my latest adventure with David.  Actually the road trip back was an adventure – a very pleasant one if a bit long.  Today it was back to the usual except that I took Ruth to the bus station for the long ride to her job at the VA.  She is training down at the big hospital in Houston and it is quite a ride.

That, and the fact that David rode a Greyhound bus halfway across the continent and back to join me for our series of hikes got me thinking about buses.  Everyone used to ride buses and trains.  Now that is very much the exception.  But there are still some good bus jokes out there.

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Roger was sitting in a very full bus when a fat woman opposite said, “If you were a gentleman, young man, you’d stand up and let someone else sit down.”

“And if you were a lady,” replied Roger, “you’d stand up and let two people sit down.”

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A man standing at a bus stop was eating a hamburger. Next to him stood a lady with her little dog, which became very excited at the smell of the man’s supper and began whining and jumping up at him. “Do you mind if I throw him a bit?” said the man to the lady.

“Not at all,” she replied, whereupon the man picked the dog up and threw it over a wall.

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In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg.   About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

 The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly twice, I kinda figured we was friends!"

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Dave was a bus driver in London, driving big red double decker buses. 

'Is everyone aboard the bus?' asked Dave the driver.

'No,' called a young woman’s voice, 'please wait until I get my clothes on.'

Well, all the passengers turned their heads towards the door to see a young woman wrestling a bag full of laundry up the bus steps.

One day, Dave was in his bus when the biggest man he had ever seen got on. The giant looked at the driver and growled, 'Big Eric doesn't pay', and took his seat.

Nothing daunted Dave stood up, shaking slightly, and said between clenched teeth, 'Oh, yeah? And why doesn't Big Eric pay?'

'Because Big Eric has got a bus pass', the man replied.

One Friday an inebriated man got on Dave's double-decker bus and sat in the bottom deck close to Dave.  Now, Dave is not supposed to allow drunks onto his bus but he had a good heart and let the man stay on.

The man started rambling on and on, so Dave suggested he should sit upstairs. 'The air is cleaner up there and you'll get a much better view.' The man agreed, but returned a few minutes later. 'What's wrong?' Dave asked. 'Don't you like it better up there?'

'It's fine', the drunk said. 'But it's too dangerous: There's no driver'.

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-A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says, 'I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell.'  The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, 'Oh no, I'm on the wrong bus, I wanted to go to Baltimore.'

Which got me thinking about alcohol jokes.

  - You'll be delighted to know that alcohol does not make you fat - it makes you lean: against tables, chairs, floors, walls and people.

 - I know a guy once who saw the billboard that read, "Drink Canada Dry."  He went there and tried to do it.

   -Ever hear the expression "hard drinker"?  Never made much sense to me, drinking's one of the easiest things in the world to do.

  - Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question.

  - A drunk is brought in front of the judge. The judge says, 'You've been brought here for drinking.'
The drunk says, 'Okay, let's get started.'

  - Richard comes home from a night of drinking. As he stumbles through the front door, his wife snaps at him, 'What's the big idea coming home half drunk?' Richard replies, slurring, 'I'm sorry honey. I ran out of money.'

 - Many things can be preserved in alcohol.  Dignity is not one of them.

Okay, finally, here is a quiz:

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.  On your left hand side there is a valley and on your right hand side there is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.  In front of you there is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.  Behind you there is a helicopter flying at ground level.  Both the giant pig and the helicopter are travelling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? 

Get off the merry-go-round - you're drunk!