Coffee-Flavored JOW #781

Today is National Coffee Day.   I am fond of that life-giving liquid.  Don’t ever let anyone tell you fairy tales can’t be real - I drink a potion made of magic beans every morning and it brings me back to life.  And I need real coffee - decaf only gets me going if I spill it on my lap.  I don’t really have a problem with caffeine, it’s just that I do have a problem without it.  Coffee and wine are like coaches.  Coffee is there for encouragement –‘Go get’em.  You can do it!’ Wine is more like – ‘Good try.  You gave it a good shot, we will get them tomorrow.’

In honor of the day here are some mostly coffee-related jokes.

Why are Italians so good at making coffee? Because they really know how to espresso themselves.  In fact, I am convinced that the reason Starbucks can charge $4 for a cup of coffee is because they put the sizes in Italian.

                The 23th Cup

Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze.
It maketh me to wake in green pastures;
It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.
It restoreth my buzz.
It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction,
I'll fear no Equal for thou art with me;
Thy cream and thy flavorings they comfort me.
Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of Juan Valdez.
Thou anointest my days with vigor; my mug runneth over.
Surely flavor and aroma shall follow me all the days of my life
and I will dwell in the House of Maxwell forever.
Amen!

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Q: Why are men are like coffee?

A: The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!

Q: What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic

A: Sanka
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A blonde says to her doctor, "Each time I try to sip my coffee, my eye hurts."

The doctor says, "Maybe you should take the stirrer out of the cup."

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Many companies share a coffee pot.  One morning a young woman saw the pot was empty and took it into the ladies room to fill it with water.  Then she began preening in the mirror, brushing her hair and reapplying some makeup. She didn't realize how long she'd been until someone slid a note under the door.

"You win," it read. “Any ransom demand will be met. Just release the coffeepot."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A lady came into the kitchen, sat down at the table, leaned forward, put her head in her hands and said to her husband "Honey, I feel terrible! My head hurts, my back's killing me and my left breast just burns and burns."

He said "I'm gonna help you, Dear. I'll get you some aspirins for the headache, I'll rub your back with Myoflex for the backache, and if you'll sit up and get your breast out of the coffee, it'll stop burning."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A man walked into a restaurant and seated himself. Soon, the waitress came over to take his order.

“And to drink?" she asked.  The man said he would like coffee. The waitress promptly returned with a cup of coffee, but spilled it on the man's lap when she stopped at the table.

"Oh my God; I am so sorry!"

"That's OK," the man said, sopping up the puddle on his pants with his a napkin - "but tell me, is this regular or decaf?"

"Regular. . . ," she replied.

"Oh great, now this thing is going to be up all night!"

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

A waitress was refilling cups at the table where some had taken decaffeinated coffee.

“Are you regular,” she asked one old boy.

“Why, yes, thank you,” he brightly replied, “I think it is all the prunes I eat.”

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A guy walks into a coffee shop and asks the waitress: "How much is the coffee?"

"Coffee is four dollars the waitress says".

"How much is a refill?" the man asks.

"Free, "says the waitress.

"Then I'll take a refill!" the man responds.

……………………

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.
She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"
Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"

And to conclude, here is one from Bill.

At one point during a Little League game, the coach called one of his 10-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?"

"Yes, coach," replied the little boy.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him an asshole. Do you understand all that?"

Again, the little boy nodded in agreement.

The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not a dumb ass decision or that the coach is a shithead is it?"

"No, coach."

"Good", said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother."