Mean Old JOW #778

My JOWs this Labor Day weekend are mostly in the form of insults and cruel jokes.  Mean spirited jokes are not my favorites, though some people find them hilarious.  Don Rickles has made a very good career out of saying mean things to people.  I will begin a few classics then shift to some comedy club specials sent to me by an unnamed bachelor.

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

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A Member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.  

"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or you."

"He had delusions of adequacy."

     - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."

     - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."

     - Clarence Darrow

   

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."

     - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

“Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?”

Ernest Hemingway, in response

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."

     - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."

     - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."

     - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one."

     - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second .... if there is one."

     - Winston Churchill, in response

  

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."

     - Stephen Bishop

    

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."  (Sounds like a certain egocentric presidential candidate)

     - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."

     - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."

     - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."   (Stephen King?)

     - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."

     - Charles, Count Talleyrand

     

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."

     - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"

     - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."

     - Mae West

  "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."

     - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."

     - Andrew Lang

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."

     - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it."

     - Groucho Marx

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A boy asks his granny: "Have you seen my pills? They were labelled LSD."

Granny replies: "F**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

After a wild night of drink and drugs, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and I suggested we should hold auditions for her part.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday.  But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"

I woke up this morning at 10 am, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30 am.

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom.  It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

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And here are some rather dated golf jokes sent by Tom and some other victims of golf:

Here are some useful golf terms you can use next time you're at the course:

 A 'Rock Hudson' -- a putt that looked straight, but wasn't

 A 'Saddam Hussein' -- from one bunker into another

 A 'Yasser Arafat' -- butt ugly and in the sand

 A 'John Kennedy Jr.' -- didn't quite make it over the water

 A 'Rodney King' -- over-clubbed

 An 'O.J.' -- got away with one

 A 'Princess Grace' -- should have used a driver

 A 'Princess Di' -- shouldn't have used the driver

 A 'James Joyce' -- a putt that's impossible to read

 A 'Ted Kennedy' -- goes in the water and jumps out

 A 'Sonny Bono' -- straight into the trees

 A 'Mickey Mantle' -- a dead Yank

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       Ski and Stosh are standing on the 18th tee at their Polish Country Club.  They are the final twosome in the Polish Country Club Championship and are tied for the lead. The 18th hole is a beautiful par four with a deep valley descending to a dogleg right.

       Both Ski and Stosh hit long, straight tee shots which disappear down into the valley.  A short time later, the fore caddie appears at the top of the hill and announces that both balls are within 6 inches of each other, but there's a problem with determining who was furthest away from the hole and thus had to hit first.  Both of the golf balls are Titlist # 4s.

        Ski and Stosh look at each other and realize that they had not informed each other as to what kind of ball they were playing, or its number.  They quickly descend into the valley and, sure enough, their two Titlist golf balls are right next to each other at the bottom of the

valley in the middle of the fairway.

         Stosh looks at Ski and says, "We had better get a ruling from a tournament official to straighten this out. This is the Polish Country Club Championships and we don't want to be

disqualified for making a mistake and hitting the wrong ball.  After all, we are tied for the lead."

               Soon after, a rules official appears and examines the two # 4 Titlist golf balls.  He then looks up at Ski and Stosh and asks, "Which one of you is playing the orange ball?”