Animal JOW #780

I was kind of stumped for a theme for his week until I remembered this cheesy joke sent to me by Keith.  It got me thinking about animal humor and so here are a few jokes mostly about the animal kingdom. 

This one is the one from Keith.

A scruffy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: "No way. I don't think you can pay for it.
The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"
The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risqué,” having heard of very small piano playing men and such.
"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.
The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.
"Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch - a fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.
The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."
"Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

There are lots of cow jokes, most of them as stupid as cows themselves.

There were two cows in a paddock. One of the cows says, “moo” and the other one says, “That’s what I was going to say.”

Q: Why did the cow cross the road?
A: To get to the udder side.

Q: Why do cows go to New York?
A: To see the moosicals!

            Enough with the cows.

Q: What goes tick-tock, bow-wow, tick-tock, bow-wow?
A: A watch dog.

Q: What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?
A: Take the words out of his mouth!

Q: What do you call a girl with a frog on her head?
A: Lilly.

Q: Why did the lamb from Boston cross the road?
A: To get to the baaaaarber shop!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half, a centipede came out and scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game. When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, “Where were you during the first half?”

“Putting on my shoes.”

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Alpacas are inherently funny critters.  (Tasty, too.) 

The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, an alpaca walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the alpaca’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"

"Not really," said the Alpaca. "Your name is written inside the cover."

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A man and his pet Alpaca walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: "Last call."

So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my Alpaca."

The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the alpaca falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave.

The bartender, yells: "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."

To which the man replies: "That's not a lion, that's an Alpaca."

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A man in a movie theater notices what looks like an alpaca sitting next to him. "Are you a Alpaca?" asked the man, surprised.

"Yes."

"What are you doing at the movies?"

The Alpaca replied, "Well, I liked the book."

++++++++++++++++++

A woman brings an alpaca home and explains to her husband that it is her new pet.

"Where are you going to keep it?" Her husband asks

"In the bedroom."

"But what about that horrible nasty smell?'

"Well, I got used to you,” she explained, “I'm sure he will too!"

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An elephant and a camel are talking. The elephant asks, "Why do you have boobs on your back?"

The camel replies, "Ha! That's a funny question coming from an animal with that thing on his face."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Finally I like telling this joke.  I call it a logic test.

What are the three steps to putting a giraffe in the fridge? 1. open the fridge 2. put the giraffe in 3.close the fridge
What are the 4 steps to putting a rhino in the fridge? 1. open the fridge 2. take out the giraffe 3. put the rhino in. 4. close the fridge.
The animals were throwing a party and all the animals but one came. Whho was it? The rhino – he is still in the fridge.
A girl waded through crocodile infested water, but didn't get eaten. Why? The crocodiles were at the party.