Lawyer Jokes - of another kind #800

This is my 800^th JOW; sometimes I do run out of jokes so I can use all the help I can get.  Tom and Pat (both ‘sort of’ retired lawyers) have been very generous providing me with lots of fodder for the JOWs.  This week almost my entire offering comes from those two attorneys.  (I just hope they don’t bill me as I cannot afford either one of them.)  Of course the stuff they send me is less restrained than jokes I normally use in the JOWs, including racy, off-color jokes and really political ones that are delightfully offensive.  I normally screen those out but I do end with a political spoof this week – it’s okay; the target is Ted Cruz who is a practicing attorney.  People ask me about my own political beliefs.  I am sort of a contrarian, going all over the place on various issues.  Sort of like gun rights for married gay couples so they can protect their homes and marijuana plants. 

Let me start with the best doctor joke Tom knows:

St. Peter is at the gates of heaven checking people in with a clipboard in his hand. The line is moving slowly.

Suddenly a man runs up to the gate and says, "Let me in. Let me in NOW. I am a DOCTOR and there is an emergency."

So, St. Peter motions the man into heaven immediately.

Well, the people in line are a bit flustered by this.

One says to St. Peter, "How come that DOCTOR gets in immediately . . .  and we have to wait in this very slow line?"

St. Peter says, "Doctor? What doctor?  . . . . . . OH, you mean that guy I just let in? He is not a doctor. That was GOD. He just THINKS he's a doctor."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

This month, Immigration will begin deporting seniors (instead of illegal aliens) in order to lower the costs of Social Security and Medicare.  Older people are also easier to catch and less likely to remember how to get back home.

>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing a new bull onto the ranch.

“He ain’t getting any of my cows,” said the oldest, biggest bull.

“He can’t have any of mine, either,” said the next biggest bull.

The youngest, smallest bull didn’t say anything because he did not have any cows of his own yet.

When the farmer pulled up with a heavy trailer the three bulls lined up to see this new bull.  Slowly a magnificent, massive monster bull comes down the ramp.

Looking at the huge new bull the first bull says, “Well, maybe he can have some of my cows.”

“I could spare a few, too,” said the next bull nervously.

They look over at the smallest bull and are astonished to see him pawing the earth and bawling out a challenge.

“What are you doing?” they asked him.

“I am just making sure he knows I am not a cow.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Pat was in a bar when a waitress suddenly screams out – “Does anybody know CPR?”

“Hell, I know the entire alphabet,” says Pat.

Everybody laughed – well, except this one guy…

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A guy walks into a bar and asks the barman,
'Is that Trump and Cruz sitting over there?'
The bartender says, 'Yep, that's them.'
So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?'
Trump says, 'We're planning our new immigration strategy.  We are going to deport every Muslim in the US and one beautiful blonde with big boobies.'
The guy exclaimed, 'A beautiful blonde with big boobies?  Why deport a beautiful blonde with big boobs?'
Trump turns to Cruz and says, 'See, I told you, nobody cares about the Muslims.’

……………………..

Sign in Oklahoma – “You are entering a sharia-free zone.  Please set your watches forward 1400 years.”

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How is it that you can sue Walmart if you fall, McDonald’s if you get fat, but not Budweiser for all the ugly people you have slept with?

When we were kids they didn’t have to say, ‘don’t try this at home’ because we weren’t complete morons.

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Einstein once said, 'The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.' - Einstein clearly never used a Microsoft product.

………………………….

If you think about, it a ‘lethal dose’ is also a lifetime supply.

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When TV shows say ‘adult situations’ they are not showing people paying bills or cleaning up after their kids.

And finally:

Senator Ted Cruz’s stunning victory in the Iowa caucuses is serving as a beacon of hope to despised people across the nation, a number of disliked Americans confirmed on Monday.

In interviews from coast to coast, dozens of pariahs said that the Cruz triumph meant that “the sky’s the limit” for widely hated people like them.

Tracy Klugian, a real-estate agent from Jupiter, Florida, said that the fact that she has systematically alienated her co-workers, by bad-mouthing them to management and stealing their listings, no longer seems like an obstacle to advancement.

“Sometimes, knowing that everyone in the office hates me so much that they won’t even ride in an elevator with me kind of brought me down,” she said. “That’s why this Cruz thing is such a game-changer.”

Chuck Greister, a general contractor who has incurred the wrath of hundreds of clients for his shoddy work and flagrant, who-gives-a-crap attitude, said that Ted Cruz’s victory in Iowa has “been nothing short of inspirational.”

“Showing up four hours late or drinking on the job site—sure, loads of people hated me for that,” Greister said. “But a little hate never stopped a gentleman named Mr. Ted Cruz.”

In the wake of the Iowa caucuses, America’s most unlikeable people were lighting up Facebook with comments in praise of Cruz, bursting with pride that one of their number had a legitimate shot at the White House.

“There are a lot of despised little kids out there who probably think that they’ll never be President,” Klugian said. “Ted Cruz gives them a reason to dream.”