Themeless JOW #802

I try to have a theme for my weekly jokes – it makes it easier for me to remember them.  Sometimes once I have a theme the JOW just flows.  Other times I rely on others to help with content.  This week is sort of a mixed bag, ending with a ‘shaggy duck’ joke and a truly awful pun.  I hope you enjoy them.

Here are a few bits from Steph:

·         They say with age comes wisdom.  Therefore I do not have wrinkles – I have wise cracks.

·         Dating is a lot like fishing: Sometimes catch and release is best.

·         I only drink a little.  But when I do, I turn into somebody who drinks a lot.

A man and a woman are sitting on the porch drinking beer.

“I love you,” said the man.

“Is that you talking or the beer talking?” asks the woman.

“That’s me talking.  To the beer.”

And speaking about drinking, here are some scientific facts about water.

·         Water can be chemically synthesized by burning rocket fuel.

·         Water is one of the primary ingredients in herbicides and pesticides.

·         Water is the leading cause of drowning

·         100% of all serial killers admitted to drinking water.

The young mechanic loved fancy cars and was thrilled to land a summer job with the local Mercedes service center.

“Gee, Mr. Schultz, I can’t wait to learn all the ins and outs of fixing up these babies.”

“Okay, kid, listen up.  The first thing you have to do is open the hood, stand back, and shake your head very, very sadly.”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

The three college roommates stayed in touch over the years even though their professional lives differed widely.  One had become an attorney, one a professor of Italian literature, and one a zoologist.  Tragically they all discovered that each of them had been told by their physician that they only had a short time to live.

They arranged to meet to discuss this tragic news.  Inevitably the conversation turned to how they wanted to live out their last days.

“I am going to Tanzania,” said the zoologist.  “I have always wanted to see the Mountain Gorilla in his native habitat.”

“Italy for me.  I want to see where Dante was born and to be buried near the great man.  And you,” he asked turning to the lawyer.  “What would you like to see?”

“Another doctor.”

^^^^^^^^^^^^^

 “911, what is your emergency?”

“It’s the cat!  He is going to kill me!  Please help me!”

“What kind of a cat is it?”

“It’s the family cat.  A tabby.  I don’t know. But he is looking at me like he is going to pounce any second.”

“Calm down; cats don’t hurt us.  Just relax.”

“You don’t understand, he is going to kill and eat me!”

“Cats aren’t like snakes that are poisonous.  By the way, I see you are calling from the residence of Jane Smith.  Am I speaking to Jane?”

“No, Jane has gone shopping.  This is Jane’s parrot.  Help me!”

And speaking of speaking avian types:

A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender looks at him and says, “Hey, you’re a duck!”

“I see your eyes are working,” says the duck coolly.

“And you can talk.”

“And your ears are working, too,” replies the duck.  “Now can I have my beer? And maybe a little popcorn, too?”

“Sorry about that,” says the barman.  “It’s just that we don’t get many ducks in here.  So what brings you around here?”

 “I’m working at the construction site across the street.  I’m a plasterer.”  

The flabbergasted bartender wants to know more but takes the hint when the duck takes a newspaper out and starts to read it.  The duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his popcorn, bids the barman good day and leaves.

This happens every day for a week.

Then one day the circus comes to town.  The ringmaster comes into the bar and the barman says to him, “You’re with the circus, right?  Well, I know this duck that could be just great in your circus.  He talks, drinks beer, reads the newspaper and everything." 

“Sounds marvelous,” says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.  “Get him to give me a call.”

So the next day when the duck comes into the bar the bartender says, “Hey, Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with at top job, paying really good money.”

“I’m always looking for the next job,” says the duck, “Where is it?”

“At the circus,” replies the bartender.

“The circus?” repeats the duck.

“That’s right, the circus.”

“The circus?” the duck asks again.  “That place with the big tent?”
“With all the animals that live in cages?  And the performers that travel around?”

“Of course,” says the bartender.

“And a tent with canvas sides and a canvas roof?” asks the duck.

“That’s right!”

The duck shakes his head sadly.  “What the heck would they want with a plasterer?”

_________________

A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whiskey.  Looking around he asked the bartender “Where is everybody?”

“They’ve gone to the hanging.”

“Hanging, who are they hanging?”

“Brown Paper Pete.”

“What did he do?”

“Well,” replied the bartender, he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper shoes.”

“What are they hanging him for?”

“Rustling.”