I have a few political bits and some of the most devastating puns I could come up with for my jokes this week. We will start with one that is a bit older but recently trending.
Scientists today announced they would be attempting to
measure the impact of enormous egos when placed in proximity of one other. Initially identified subjects include New
York business man and reality TV star Donald Trump and music heavyweight Kanye
West.
“It will be a real challenge,” reported Dr. Bullroar,
head of the project, “not just in getting people with excessive self-esteem to
cooperate, but to do so in a venue that has a platform sturdy enough to support
the weight of such enormous egos.”
When asked if bringing two such incredibly self-centered
individuals could be dangerous, Dr. Bullroar minimized the concerns.
“Normally, raging narcissists simply ignore other
people. Remember, Hollywood has been
dealing with this issue for decades.
What will make this particular experiment unique is that once we have
lured out participants to the site of the experiment we will attempt to get them to recognize that the experiment is NOT all about them. If prevented from fleeing the scene, we may
get some interesting reactions, especially when we introduce a highly
unstable element such as Kardashian to the mix. We are hoping to generate a new element
called KanyeTrump. The new element is
expected to be so dense that it will think the world revolves around it.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some awful puns:
What do you call a motorcycle gang of ancient bisexual
Norse monarchs?
The Bikings.
(About three
or four puns in one.)
What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the
stairs?
A condescending con descending.
Lincoln was the least guilty president. He is in a cent.
What is the difference
between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
One’s a crusty bus station
and the other is a busty crustacean.
(Why would a lobster get breast implants? To attract horny old lawyers.)
A man came home and found
all his lamps were stolen and his light bulbs smashed. He was delighted.
Where did Noah keep the bees?
In the Ark Hives
What does a pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye matey!
That bad pun reminded me of a couple of nerdy
chemistry jokes –
So oxygen went out with potassium – it went OK
Then oxygen tried going with magnesium – OMG
Oxygen asked nitrogen out but nitrogen was all like – NO
Then oxygen had that double bond with the hydrogen twins –
likes like someone’s a HO
Which got me thinking about a couple of language related
jokes
A Mexican magician announced he would disappear on the
count of three.
Uno!
Dos!
But he vanished without a Tres.
++++++++++++
Three little French kitties were playing on the ice.
The ice was thin and their owner told them to come back
right now. But the kitties ignored her.
“You had better come back before I count to five,” she
warned them.
But the kitties ignored her. Sure enough, the ice broke -
Un, Deux, Trois, Quatre, Cinq
(That one is
better spoken than read as ‘quartre’ sounds to me like ‘cats’ and ‘cinq’ like ‘sank’)
Okay, another language joke –
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are
all standing watching a street performer.
The performer notices that the four men have a poor view so stands on a
crate and asks them. “Can you see me now?”
And they reply
Yes
Oui
Si’
Ja
<<<<<<<<<<<<
A new dad was in the hospital with his wife and new baby contemplating
his new responsibilities; making ‘Dad jokes’ and all.
This was a wonderful hospital with a machine that was
specifically made to heat blankets for the newborns.
As he laid the blanket of his child he asked the nurse, “Do
you keep these at womb temperature?”
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I read the Sunday funnies. There were a couple that resonated with me
this week;
Pearls before Swine had a study on Modern
Government 101
Lobbyist – Hello Senator.
Here’s a million dollars for your Super Pac. I’d like you to kill a banking bill that’s
hurting my business.
Senator – Whoa!
You’ve stated a quid pro quo, and that makes this ILLEGAL!
Lobbyist – A quid pro quo, what is that?
Senator – Quid pro
quo. An explicit exchange of money for a
favor. And that is illegal, immoral, and
repulsive.
Lobbyist – So now what?
Senator – So go back out.
Then come back in. And this time
you just say you’d like to donate a million dollars to my Super Pac.
Lobbyist – Hello, I’d like to donate a million dollars to
your Super Pac.
Senator – Thank you.
How is business?
Lobbyist – Not good.
There’s a banking bill I don’t like.
Senator – I don’t like that bill, either. I think I’ll kill it.
Lobbyist – And what was that?
Senator – Legal!
Goat, Mouse, and Pig in the next box say
Goat -I think our system needs fixing.
Mouse -How more fixed can it get?
Pig -Yay! The system is fixed!
Remember citizens, if you give a businessman money and
expect him to do something for you that is BRIBERY.
If you give a politician money
and expect him to do something for you that is a CAMPAIN CONTRIBUTION.
The other bit was from Doonsbury, a cartoon I seldom like;
but this time Gary Trudeau hit it on the head.
It is blatantly political but accurate.
When we elect a politician to office we are usually voting for them based
on their stated platform and on their personality. In part, we vote for the personality so we can
estimate what that person will do on issues that are not covered during the
election; the kind of a person that will be a good representative for us.
Donald Trump has some interesting ideas and he is
certainly not in anyone’s pocket like the cartoon above. Yet even his supporters admit the obvious –
that he is a bullying narcissistic egoist prone to impulsive behavior. They like him because he expresses a real
anger in the electorate. They like that
he is not ‘politically correct’ and talks without ‘filters.’
In his cartoon, Trudeau has Trump say the following:
“There’s only one thing I won’t say: What I won’t say is what I really think of
all of you. Why? Well mostly because I prefer
to talk about myself - how incredibly successful I am! It’s unbelievable how successful! You people?
Not so much. You’re mostly losers
and I prefer winners. I was born rich
and now I’m richer than ever! And you’re
not! So I jet in on my private plane,
talk about myself, whip up the anger, shake a few hands, and then jet off,
wiping away the smell of nowhere with a squirt of Purell. The last thing I want to do is sit in your
dingy little kitchen and actually listen to you losers. Why? Because then I’d have to pretend that
this election is about you, when it’s not.
It all about me!”
And in a final tidbit
“I just left my job.
I couldn’t work with for that man after what he said to me.”
“What did he say?”
“You’re fired”.
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