Grab Bag JOW #809

Coming up with all these jokes every week is sometimes difficult, so I welcome the humor I get sent to me.  Remember, if you send me a joke (and it is not dirty) you may see it in the JOW.  This week I have a grab bag of jokes from a number of different folks along with a couple of my own.  I hope you enjoy them.

From Kenneth:

An old man lay awkwardly sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater.

 When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

 The old man didn't budge.

 The usher became more impatient.  "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

 Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.

 The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.

 Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success.

 Finally they summoned the police.

 The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"

 "Fred," the old man moaned.

 "Where you from, Fred?" asked the police officer.

 With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied; "The balcony".......

 Keith sent this one:

A very cheap man on an overseas business trip was looking for a gift for his wife. Everything was too expensive, except for a broken glass vase which he could purchase for almost nothing. He asked the store to send it, hoping his wife would think it had been broken in transit.
In due time, the man received an acknowledgement from his wife.

"Thanks for the vase," it read. "It was so thoughtful of you to wrap each piece separately."

-----------------------------------------

“Excuse me sir,” said the man to one of the stewards on an Amtrak train, “I always get nauseous when I ride on trains, so I am going to take a heavy sleeping pill.  Please do whatever you can to make sure I get off when the train stops in Baltimore.  I really don’t want to miss my aunt’s funeral.”

            “Sure thing,” said the steward happily, “we’ll make sure you get off.”

            Six hours later the man woke up in Washington D.C.  “What the heck!” he shouted to the stewards.  “I asked you to wake me up in Baltimore!”

            “Wow, he sure looks mad!” remarked the fellow behind him to his wife.

            “Not half as mad as that fellow they carried off in Baltimore,” she whispered back.

++++++++++++++++++

The telmarketer called a home and spoke to a nice lady.  She was helpful and friendly.  When the telemarketer asked if Mr. Smith was in she answered that he did not live there anymore.

“I’m sorry to hear that ma’am.  Do you have a new number for him?”      

“Sure thing,” she cheerfully relied giving him the new number.

He hung up and called the new number only to get a recording.

“Thank you for calling Green Acres Cemetery…..”

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A twenty year old girl informed her parents that she was pregnant.

“What pig did this to you?  I want to meet him!”

The girl made a call.  Half an hour later a Bentley rolled up to the front of their little house.  A distinguished gentleman stepped out of the car and came in to their house.

Sitting on the sofa with the girl and her parents he introduced himself.  “I am sorry but due to my personal situation I cannot marry your daughter.  However, I acknowledge my responsibilities.  Of course, I will pay all medical bills and a stipend of $5,000 a month to your daughter.  After the child is born I will also set up a one million dollar trust fund to ensure the child has everything it may need including all educational expenses.   Will this be acceptable?”

The stunned parents only nodded.

“But if your daughter should have a miscarriage what do think we should do?”

Her father put a hand on the shoulder of the man and said, “Then I think you should try again.”

=========================

A young lawyer was defending a wealthy businessman in a complicated lawsuit.  Unfortunately the evidence was against her client and she feared the worst.  So, she asked a senior partner of the firm if it would be appropriate for her to send the judge in the case a box of expensive Cuban cigars.

The partner was horrified.  “That judge is a real stickler for propriety. If you do that you will almost certainly alienate him and lose the case.”

Weeks later the judge ruled in favor of the lawyer’s client.  The partner took her to a congratulatory lunch.  “Aren’t you glad you didn’t send the judge those cigars?” he asked her.

“But I did send them,” she replied.  “And I thoughtfully enclosed the plaintiff’s business card.”

           

From Pat:

And then there was my visit to the doctor.  He said “Pat, I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that you are very sick and need to be hospitalized immediately.” 

“So what’s the good news?” I asked. 

“Well, you saw that hot, red-headed nurse when you walked in?  I’m sleeping with her.”

To which Tom responded:
Another good one is the patient is in the doctor's office after a bunch of tests were done. The doctor said he had some bad news. He told the patient he had six months to live. The patient replied, "Hell, I can't even pay off your doctor's bill in that amount of time."

The doctor said, "Hmmm. Ok, you have a year to live."

Mary Ellen sent this timely warning which explains a lot.

Shampoo Warning

I don’t know why I didn’t figure this out sooner.  I use shampoo in the shower.  When I wash my hair the shampoo my whole body.  Printed very clearly on the shampoo bottle is this notice: “For Extra Body and Volume.”

No wonder I have been gaining weight!  Well, I got rid of that shampoo and started using Dawn dish soap instead. That label reads – “Dissolves difficult to remove fat.”

Problem solved.