I am suffering from what
Tom calls Electile Dysfunction – the inability to get excited about any of the
candidates. For decades politicians
spend uncounted millions of dollars telling us that their opponents are awful,
terrible people. And we believe them: we
now think that all politicians are assholes.
And look at the candidates we have this cycle: we have the ultimate
political insider whom most Americans view as a slippery, untrustworthy, opportunistic
nasty lawyer; a kindly but weird Jewish grandfather who is an avowed Socialist,
a governor who has apparently had a charisma bypass operation, a desperately
unlikeable wannabe rightwing Ayatollah, and a bombastic, monomaniacal, narcissistic,
game show host. Okay, I apologize; Homer
J Trump was not a game show host. There
are many fine and respectable game show hosts who would object to being compared
to The Donald. Trump was a Reality Show
Host – you know, like the Kardashians or Honey Boo Boo. That somehow qualifies him to be the
Commander in Chief.
Enough with my political
rant. I have a few jokes – most of which
are not political – that you may find amusing.
Famous people answer the eternal question: Why did the chicken cross the
road?
DONALD TRUMP: We will build a big
wall to keep illegal chickens from crossing the road. We will have a door for legal
chickens.
JOHN KERRY: We will trust the chicken
to tell us whether it crossed the road or not.
RAND PAUL: It's none of our
business why the chicken crossed the road.
NANCY PELOSI: We will have to
wait until the chicken crosses the road to see what it says.
TED CRUZ: Hillary Clinton lied about
why the chicken crossed the road.
BRIAN WILLIAMS: I crossed the road
with the chicken.
BEN CARSON: This isn't brain
surgery. To look for pyramids... it wanted grain.
SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed
the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!
BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly
clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken
will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.
HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at
this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road?
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really
care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is
on our side of the road or not.
The chicken is either
with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road
with that chicken.
BERNIE SANDERS: That little chicken
will pay 80% income taxes no matter what side of the road it's on. He's got to
help finance free college even for those that just want a four year vacation.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens
white?
GEORGE CLOONEY: I will renounce
my U.S. citizenship and move to France if that chicken that crossed the road is
elected President.
COL SANDERS: What! I missed one?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On an icy, bitter-cold
day, Hank visited Lou.
“I had a rough time
getting here,” said Hank. “For every step forward, I slipped back two.”
“If you slid back two
steps for every one you took forward, how’d you get here?” asked Lou.
“I almost didn’t. But then
I said to myself, forget it. So I turned around and started home.”
`````````````````````````````````````````````
The south is big into
fishing. I recently saw a casket
arriving at a cemetery carried not in a hearse, but on top of a fishing
boat. Curious I went over to one of the
mourners who was watching as the casket was lifted down from the boat by the
pall bearers and carried over to the grave.
“He must have been a
really dedicated fisherman,” I said to the mourner.
“Oh, he still is,” the man
replied. “He’s going fishing right after
his wife’s funeral is over.”
A little boy was crying in
a big mall. A friendly cop come up to
him and knelt down.
“What’s the matter little
boy?”
“I can’t find my daddy,”
the tyke replied.
What’s your daddy like
little boy?
“Beer, football, and
women.”
*****************
NASA in an attempt to
stimulate interest in the space program again is proposing to launch some
cattle into a single low earth orbit.
They are calling the
project the “Shot herd around the world.”
____________________
Two
vampire bats were hungry but the sun was almost up. One decided to wait until the next night, but
the other decided to fly out to look for food.
An hour
later he came back with his face covered in blood. The first bat is impressed.
“Where
did you get all that blood?” Bat one asked.
“Follow
me, I’ll show you.”
The two
fly out to the outskirts of the city.
“Do you
see that tall building behind the trees?” the bloody bat asks.
“Yes.”
“Good for
you, because I didn’t.”
++++++++++++++++++++++++
A man
walks into a bar and orders a whisky.
Just as
he is taking his first sip a guy runs into the bar and shouts, “John, your
house is on fire!”
So he
runs outside but then realizes – ‘Hey, I don’t have a house.’
He goes
back in the bar and takes another sip of his whiskey.
Another
guys runs into the bar and hollers, “John, your brother is in a fight outside.”
So he
puts down his whiskey again and runs outside.
But then he realizes, ‘Hey, I don’t have a brother.’
He has
almost finished his whiskey when yet another guy runs into the bar and yells, “John,
you have just won the lottery!”
He puts
down his glass and runs over the the lottery story when suddenly he realizes – ‘Hey,
my name is not John.’
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