Stream of something JOW #808

I will endeavor to get my JOW done early so that when things come up I do not have to press to get something out.  It is a lot easier when I have a theme so in addition to all the great fodder I get I would welcome some suggestions on a theme for the jokes.  This week was trigger by a joke about the world which led me downhill pretty darn quickly.  I hope you enjoy this week’s slide.

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

***********

A recent worldwide survey showed that out of 2,146,703,436 people, 94% were too lazy to actually read that number.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says, "Give me all the money or you're geography!"

The puzzled teller replies, "Did you mean to say 'or you're history?'"

The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"

So that made me think of cheesy teacher jokes:

Teacher: “If I have four oranges in one hand and five oranges in another what do I have?

Student: “Big hands.”

Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?"
Student: "A drinking problem."

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a cat!"

Two from Pat:

You have to be careful as you get older.  Why just yesterday I fell off a 30 foot ladder.  Good think I was only on the first step.

As I grow older I am learning that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everybody off is a piece of cake.

Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim." That way it sounds better when I tell people that I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

>>>>>>>>>>>> 

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face

A blonde approaches a stranger and asks what time it is.

The stranger says, "11:45." The blonde says,

"Really? That's so weird. Every time I ask that question, I get a different answer."

+++++++++++++

Ladies – remember, you are only helpless when your nails are wet, and even then could can still pull a trigger.

====================

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

Which got me thinking about kicking the bucket.

Yes, I remember the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket. “I wonder how far I can kick this bucket of explosives.”

Finally two end of the line jokes:

At the doctor's office, Tom was getting a checkup. "I have good news and bad news," says the doctor. "The good news is you have 24 hours left to live."

Tom replies, "That's the good news?!"

Then the doctor says, "The bad news is I should have told you that yesterday."

^^^^^^^^^^^^

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man.

"How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"

"Nine..."