Presumptive JOW #816

I continue to be annoyed by the ubiquitous use of electronic media in today’s Millennial culture.  I see kids carrying their phones while working out and then stopping periodically to interact with their glowing little idols.  They are not just using apps to track their exercise, they are texting, chatting, and checking their Facebook pages.  everybody is posting.  I swear I can gain weight just by looking at the photos of all the delicious meals my friends post.    Which makes me wonder,

‘If a tree falls in the wilderness and no one posts it on the Internet, did it really fall?’ 

Since I have done a JOW on wirelessly connected relationships where everyone is safely insulated from actually interactive directly with people. Instead I thought I would do some humor on our process for selecting our leaders which is reduced to memes and sound bites.   So I have gone back to return to the rich mine of humor provided by the current presidential race. 

As a comment on the quality or the candidates this is an excerpt from an actual recent obituary:

'Noland, Mary Anne Alfriend. Faced with the prospect of voting for either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton, Mary Anne Noland of Richmond chose, instead, to pass into the eternal love of God on Sunday, May 15, 2016, at the age of 68

  

Some old Seth Myers jokes on the Donald
“Donald Trump has been saying he will run for president as a Republican — which is surprising, since I just assumed he was running as a joke.”

“Trump owns the Miss USA Pageant, which is great for Republicans, because it will streamline their search for a vice president.”

“Donald Trump said recently he’s got a great relationship with ‘the blacks.’ Unless the Blacks are a family of white people, I bet he’s mistaken.”

There are a bunch of jokes about both of the “presumptive” nominees.  And boy are they presumptuous. 

·         "Hillary Clinton went on 'Meet the Press' yesterday, and Chuck Todd actually showed her a video of all the times she's flip-flopped on issues. At first Hillary said she felt bad about it, but now she says she feels okay about it."

·         “Donald Trump has more positions than a porn star.”

·         "At a town hall in Iowa, a voter asked Hillary Clinton how her views align with the Ten Commandments, and she said that 'in many areas judgment should be left to God.' Then God was like, 'OK. You really shouldn't have deleted all those emails.'"

·         Why doesn't Melania Trump want to be the first lady? Because she would have to move into a smaller house.

·         "I read that Hillary's staff is starting to worry that her campaign still doesn't have an official theme. Then Hillary said, 'Yes it does – revenge.'
If minorities have the race card and women have the gender card, what do rednecks have? The Trump Card

·         Hillary has stated that, “I believe what we need in America today is more love and kindness.' Then she added, 'And I will crush anyone who won't let me do it.'

But there are some political memes going around

·         Life’s a bitch. Don’t elect one.

·         Laws are for peasants

·         You think your candidate is Obi Wan Kenobi and theirs is Darth Vader.  In fact they are both more like Jarjar Binks.

Pat reminded me of one of my favorite church jokes

A Baptist minister was widely renowned and attracted a large congregation every Sunday.  He was also notorious for carefully preparing his sermons and reading them verbatim.  A couple of boys sneaked into his office early on Sunday and pulled a page from his carefully prepared sermon.  At the height of his delivery, he thundered “So Adam said to Eve . . .” there was a pause as he looked down, “there seems be a leaf missing.”

A couple of unrelated jokes:

Three lady golfers were teeing up on the 14th fairway when a masked man with nothing else on leaped out of the woods, did a little dance, and then ran back into the woods.  

“That’s certainly not my husband” the first lady said, commenting on the man.

“That’s certainly not my husband, either” the second lady said.

“That man is not even a member of this club” the third lady said.

**************

A young blonde woman, playing a round of golf hit an errant tee shot that shattered a plate glass window in an obviously expensive mansion next to the course.  Upset, she saw a handsome bald man of indeterminate age stepped out through the remains of the window.

“Oh, I am sorry sir, did I break your window.”

The strange man looked at her for a moment and then smiled broadly.  “No, in fact you have done me a great service.  You see you have freed me from my prison.  I am actually a powerful genie.”

“I thought genies lived in a bottle,” said the woman, impressed.

“It can be anything that is properly enchanted.  By breaking that window you released me as surely as if you had rubbed a lamp.”

“Do I get three wishes?”

“Of course, if you complete the steps necessary to completely free me from my bondage.”

“Sure,” she agreed, “what do I have to do?”

“Come inside with me and make passionate love to me.”

Well, this was unexpected, but the woman considered all she had to gain from the transaction, and the man was very good looking.  “Okay,” she agreed, and bringing her clubs inside the house she proceeded to enthusiastically fulfill her part of the bargain.

An hour later she lay next to the mysterious stranger.  “So, when do I get my wishes,” she asked him.  “Because I want to never get older.”

“Well how old are you now?”

“I’m twenty four.”

The man got out of bed and put on his pants.  Then he turned to her with a grin and said, “Don’t you think you are a little too old to still believe in genies?”