Idle Thoughts JOW #812

Most of my Jokes this week take the form of idle thoughts.  Clearly I have too much time on my hands.  I will start with a couple of basic jokes first.  I will probably not do a JOW next week as I expect to be on vacation in Sedona where I will be looking at pretty rocks and soaking up the desert sun like a lizard.

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The teacher was discussing natural history with her class of eight-year old kids.

She began by saying, “Do you know Worker ants can carry food particles that are five times their own weight. What is to be learnt from this?”

A kid raised his hand and replied: “They don’t have a union.”

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A teacher sees a lad entering the classroom. His hands were dirty.

She stopped him and said, “John, please wash your hands. My goodness, what would you say if I came into the room with hands like that?”

Smiling the boy replied, “I think I’d be too polite to mention it.”

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The professor had just related to his history class the event where an ancient runner had covered the 29 miles from the plains of Marathon to Troy to finally cry “Victory – Victory” and then fall dead from the run.

Asking for comments, the class sat quietly until one student, a cross-country team member from the back of the room quietly asked:

“Did anybody get his time?”

Some idle thoughts:

·         If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation? ·         Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.  ·         If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? ·         Whatever happened to preparations A through G? ·         Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food? ·         If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them? ·         Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse? ·         How come abbreviated is such a long word? ·         How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow? ·         After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water? ·         If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in? ·         I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious. ·         Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back. ·         I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. ·         A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. ·          A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. ·         All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand. ·         Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? ·         I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... but she left me before we met. ·         If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. ·         How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? ·          A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. ·          The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread ·         Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called ‘builts’? ·         Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together? ·         If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?   ·         The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. ·         Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.  ·         To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. ·         The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. ·         The politician’s creed: If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

And finally, one of my favorites:

·         The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

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A couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones.
The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend.
She texted:
      If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
      If you are laughing, send me your smile.
      If you are eating, send me a bite.
      If you are drinking, send me a sip.
      If you are crying, send me your tears.
      I love you.
The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:
I'm on the toilet. Please advise.

And finally:

Jennifer’s wedding day was fast approaching.

Nothing could dampen her excitement – not even her parents’ nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the perfect dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father’s new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother.

Jennifer asked her father’s new young wife to exchange it, but she refused.

“Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I’m wearing it,” she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, “Never mind sweetheart. I’ll get another dress. After all, it’s your special day.”

A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, “Aren’t you going to return the other dress?

You really don’t have another occasion where you could wear it.”

Her mother just smiled and replied,

“Of course I do, dear.

I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.”