Conventional JOW #824

This is the height of the season for those benighted individuals who are political wonks.  Having had to watch some of it, I cannot understand how people can find political conventions interesting.  If I do not repent of my evil ways I may have to spend eternity listening to campaign speeches.  The worst part is that all this will be going on for three long weeks.  I should have scheduled my back packing trip for this time so Dave and I could be out of range of all communications. 

I think this calls for a few jokes and a drink.  In that order.

A boy returned to his home after school.  His granny asked him, “Well, tell me Jimmy, what did you learn in school today?”

“Granny, you won’t believe it.  We conducted experiments with explosives in Chemstry class.”

“And what are you doing tomorrow at school?”

“Well granny, the school isn’t there any more.”

Keith has been very generous with his inputs to me  Here is one:

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy: "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies: "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City."
St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of my church for the last forty-three years."
St. Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

Woody helps a lot, too.

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. 

The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.

The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.

2) It provides immunity against diseases.

3) It is always the right temperature.

4) It is inexpensive.

5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.

6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

And this one

An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbour that if she wanted to live a long life the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning. 

She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to
be.

Dick provided these

·         Mom, can I have a dollar?  I’ve been good all week.
A whole dollar, just for being good?  Why can’t you be good for nothing like your father?

·         I posed naked for a magazine today.
How did that go?
Not so well.  The newsstand guy said he only accepts cash

·         Is it true you are addicted to brake fluid?
No, I can stop anytime.

·         What is the lazy man’s favorite exercise?
Diddly-squats.

And finally, the requisite stupid joke

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a closed gas station.  They approached one of the pumps and the younger alien addressed it with the Universal Translator.  “Greetings.  We come in peace.  Take us to your leader.”

And of course the gas pump did not reply.

The younger alien become angry.  And directed his question at the pump more forcefully.

“I’d be careful if I were you,” cautioned the older alien.

The younger alien ignored this and repeated his greeting with even greater emphasis.  Again there was no response.  Angry at what he perceived to be the pump’s haughty attitude he drew his ray gun and confronted the pump.  “Do not ignore us!  Take us to your leader or I will fire!”

The older alien backed away and warned the younger one, “Be careful.  You don’t want to make him mad.”

“Rubbish” replied the young alien and fired a blast at the gasoline pump which, exposed to the great heat, promptly exploded in a huge fireball which deposited the young alien in a cactus patch some distance away.

When he regained consciousness he refocused his three eyes and peered blearily at the older alien who was shaking his big green head.

“What ferocious creatures,” the young one said, “It almost killed me.  How did you know they were so dangerous?”

The wise old alien put a friendly feeler on his young friend and replied, “There is one thing I have learned in my intergalactic travels – don’t mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder and stick it in his ear.”