Smother JOW #822

I trust all of you enjoyed Independence Day.  It is followed by “Thank you Mr. Carrier for inventing air conditioning Day.” Yesterday the low temperature was a muggy 83; they call that smothering heat.  The worst part is that it will be like this for three more months.  

I thought to do a chemistry joke but they Argon. 

Here are smother jokes:

Dick sent me some pearls of wisdom… or whatever you might call them.

For example:

·         There are days when my greatest accomplishment is just keeping my mouth shut.

·         No matter how big a hammer you use you just can’t pound common sense into stupid people.

·         Of course size matters.  No one wants a small glass of wine.

·         I’ve only had one… In dog beers.

I had a goldfish that could break dance on the floor.

But only for like 30 seconds.

And only once.

Why did the cows come back to the marijuana field?

It was the pot calling the cattle back.

Young son – Dad, did you know that in some countries you don’t know who your wife is before you get married.

Old wise dad – It’s like that everywhere, son.

On my to do list.

Buy four pigs

Paint numbers 1,2,3, and 5 on their back.

Release them in Walmart

Sit back and watch security search for number 4

………………..

When Victoria Secrets models walk down the aisle in their underwear it’s called ‘art’ and a ‘fashion show’.  When I do it they call it ‘drunk’ and they ban me from Walmart.

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And if you don’t think you cannot get in trouble for something you didn’t do, just try not doing your taxes for a few years.

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Innkeeper: "The room is $15 a night. It's $5 if you make your own bed."
Guest: "I'll make my own bed."
Innkeeper: "Good. I'll get you some nails and wood."

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Q: Have you heard about the new restaurant called Karma?
A: There’s no menu; you get what you deserve.

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My grandfather had the heart of a lion.  And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

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A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge said, "Sir, you are hereby fined $100."

The lawyer stood up and said, "Thanks, your honor, however my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd..."

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A mean old man went to court for shoplifting.

“What did you steal?” the judge asked her.

“Well, your honor, I stole a can of peaches.”

“How many peaches were in the can?”

“Six”, he replied.

“Okay, well, I am going to give you six days in jail since there were six peaches in the can.  Does that sound fair to you?”

“Yes, your honor, I suppose it does.”

Then the man’s long-suffering wife piped up.  “Your honor, I though you should know.  He also stole a can of peas.”

Here is a Scottish joke in honor of Outlander.

The head greens keeper at St. Andrews golf course was out inspecting the greens one morning when he spotted a golfer bending over the stream on the 18^th scooping up water with his hand and drinking it.

“Haw” he shouted.  “Ye shouldnae drink yon water.  It’s got coo’s pish in it.”

The golfer looked up and in pure upper class English replied.  “Dreadfully sorry old chap.  I’m English and I am afraid I could not make out a word through that dreadful accent of yours.”

The old Scot cleaned up his accent a bit and replied “I said, use both hands.  You’ll get more in.”

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Two Irishmen are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle."

At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads."

"Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says one of the men. "

And you'll only be getting fifteen from me too," adds the other.

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Some teachers from an engineering school were invited for a ride on a new airplane.  After they were seated they were informed that the plane had been designed and built by their students.

The teachers jumped up and desperately scrambled to get out of that airplane.  All but one.

When asked why he stayed in the plane he replied, “I know the capacity of my students.  If they build it there is no way it will even start.”

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The CEO of a huge conglomerate took a phone call from his family lawyer. 

“Sir, I have good news and bad news for you.”

“I’ve had a tough day.  Give me the good news first.”

“Well you wife has invested in some pictures.  I am certain they are going to make her a lot of money.”

“That’s great!  So what is the bad news?”

“The pictures are of you in bed with your mistress.”