Husband - Wife JOW

I thought to hold off on Olympic jokes until next week but the IOC just allowed Russia to participate despite overwhelming evidence of systematic state-sponsored drug cheating.  After the press conference the IOC judges left in their (brand new) Ferrari’s to go to their (recently acquired) mansions.   I guess they are taking a page from the World Cup organizers.  Rumors say that many of them are known attorneys.   On a related note, seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Para-Olympics after they tested positive for WD40.

I start my jokes this week with some Husband – Wife conversations

Husband-Wife conversations

Wife – “Someone invented a laundry folding machine.

Husband – “I already have one of those.  It’s called a wi…..”

Wife - *Death Glare*

Husband -“um…. Me.”

Husband and wife were sitting at a table.  The wife wrote a number on a paper and slid it across to her husband.  The husband crossed it out and wrote a new number and slid it back.

The wife looked up at the puzzled waitress and explained.  “Thermostat negotiations.”

Wife to husband – “Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf.  Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.

Wife on the phone to her sister.  “My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.”

Husband – ”I don’t need Google.  My wife knows everything.”

Wife – “I’d have murdered my husband years ago but the only place with more laundry than my house is prison.

Husband – “My wife is a total MILF.  Mammal I’ve Learned to Fear.

Couples often agree upon an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other.  Mine is about $50.  Hers is around $1643.27.  Apparently.

Pat just wishes more of his famous stories about handcuffs involved sex instead of police officers.

From Woody.

‘I just found out that I have a ticket to the Open, but I have a conflict on my schedule.    I am getting married that day.  If anyone wants to fill in for me, the wedding is at Grace Church at 4:00 and her name is Ann.’

~~~~~~~~~~~~

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, John woke up to find himself next to an older ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.

****************

A teenage boy asks his granny: “Have you seen my pills? They were labeled LSD?” 

Granny replies: “The hell with the pills, did you see those dragons in the kitchen?” 

-------------------------

Remember, you can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

Cats and Dogs:

Dog – ‘Oh, boy the Master’s home!  Yay!’

Cat – ‘You’re late slave.”

John sent this one.

Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time.

 One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is. "Kenneth," he says.
"And what is your question, Kenneth?" she asks.

 “I have three questions," he says.

 "First -- whatever happened in Benghazi?
"Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts?
"And, third -- whatever happened to the missing six billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?"

 Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

 When they resume Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?

 A different boy -- little Johnny -- puts his hand up.
Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is. "Johnny," he says.
"And what is your question, Johnny?" she asks.

 "I have two questions," he says.
"First -- why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
"And, second -- where's Kenneth?"

>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Aggie who got on the bus and sat next to a lady nursing an obviously healthy two month old baby.  Intrigued, the Aggie asked “Lady, why is your baby so big and healthy?”

“I don’t know”, she replied, “I only feed him milk and orange juice.”

Really interested now, the Aggie says “Well ma’am, which one is the orange juice.”

From Keith:

A group of early settlers heading west got off the Oregon Trail and found themselves lost and running out of supplies. One evening, they camped near a stream, and as it became darker, they saw a campfire a little way up the hill on the same stream.
The next morning, they headed out to see who was there. They found a small cave and an old Rabi had made his home there.
"We're lost and hungry, can you help us?"
He thought a moment, then said, "I have very little and can only share the water in this stream, and I know only that there's a Bacon Tree about a mile west of here along the stream."
They couldn't pack up and roll out fast enough, the thought of BACON filled their minds. As they went through a small narrow gorge, they were accosted by a band of Walla Walla Indians who were not happy to see them and would have robbed them if they had anything of value.
Beaten up and nursing a few wounds, they got out, but the leader of the group went back to the old Rabi with several men, all of them angry. "You said there was a Bacon Tree, and all we found was an Ambush by angry Indians!"

The Rabi thought a moment, adjusted his little round glasses, looked up and said. "Oy Vey! Ham Bush, Bacon Tree, who knew?"