Non-Sporting JOW #823

  There are two unusual days this week – today and Wednesday are the only two days in the year when there are no games played in any of the four major sports.  And actually the Baseball All Star Game on Tuesday is not that interesting to me.  So I have three days where I will be denied access to that life-sucking spectacle of televised sports.  I may even have to talk to my spouse.

My jokes this week are more observational humor, mostly provided by Woody and Keith. (Thank you very much).  Most of these have to do with coming to (Poly) grips with aging.

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These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it "Pumping Rust."

I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.

Know how to prevent your skin from sagging?  Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

Wouldn’t you know it... brain cells come and brain cells go, But FAT cells live forever.

I have gotten that dreaded "furniture disease." My chest is falling into my drawers!

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.  At least I can still fit into the socks I wore in high school.

When I was young we used to go ‘skinny dipping.’  Now I just ‘chunky dunk.’

Know how to prevent sagging?  Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"  And when they ask, “Where would you like to be five years from now?” I want to answer “On a white sand beach with a cold drink next to my Brazilian supermodel girlfriend.”

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me... they are cramming for finals.
As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

From Woody

Bad decisions make good stories. (Pat and Woody have some GREAT stories)

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

There is great need for a sarcasm font.

Marriage changes passion.  Suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

Map Quest and Google Maps really need to start their directions on about step # 5.  I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.  And I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

           
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers.  I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?  I really need to know.

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.  Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and wallet/purse - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

The Psychiatrist & the Proctologist

Two best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.
Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist.  

They put up a sign reading, "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors".  

The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

So, the docs changed it to read, "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids".

This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign.   "Catatonics and High Colonics" - No go.   

Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives" - thumbs down again.

Then came "Minds and Behinds" - still no good.   

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes" - unacceptable again!   

So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts" - not a chance.  
"Nuts and Butts" - no way.  
Freaks and Cheeks" - still no good.  
Loons and Moons" - forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with, "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends".  

Everyone loved it.