Return of the JOW #829

I have returned from my backpacking adventure virtually unharmed.  I will be writing up an illustrated account of our hiking and sending out for your reading pleasure.  The working title is “Gentlemen wandering about in the Wilderness.  Since I have just returned I have not had time to prepare a lengthy JOW but here are a few items for your amusement.

A poem for Pat’s birthday:

Pat turned sixty eight the other day and everybody was there. 

He was dressed up in a suit, sitting in his wheelchair
When a beautiful young woman stood up in front of the group
She offered him some super sex

Pat said, “I’ll take the soup.”

Another poetic joke:

When God created Woman
She had not two breasts but three
And the middle one got in the way
So God performed a surgery.
And Woman stood in front of God
With the middle breast in her hand
She said, “What can we do with the useless boob?”
And God created Man.

A church joke:

This fellow has been ship wrecked alone on a deserted island for decades. Finally rescued by a passing ship, the ship's captain tells him to get anything he wants to take with him and says he'll walk with the man, as he wants to see where the man lived alone.
They pass various huts and the man tells the captain that that is where he slept, that where he cooked, that is where he kept his supplies, etc. They finally come to two well-built structures.
"What did you do in that one?" asks the captain.
"Oh, says the man with pride, "That's the church I built. I lost track of what day was Sunday, but I prayed there once a week."
"Well, it looks identical to that other building over there," says the captain, "what's that other building for?"
"Oh that," says the man with a sneer, "that's the church I used to go to."

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There are a lot of misconceptions about the veterans these days.  I have been asked “Did you ever kill anyone?”  Now I just get real  quiet, then in a soft voice say, “Probably. I was a cook.”

>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Ole went to the neighborhood dance and he won the big door prize: a toilet brush.

The next week one of the guys said, “Ole, how’s that toilet brush? The one you got from the neighbors?”
And Ole said, “Oh, it works pretty good. But I think I’d rather use paper.”

And while we are on the subject of ‘Ole Jokes’.

Did you hear about the Norwegian who almost got rich in the skin care business? He created Oil of Ole.

Some short ones.

·         Did you hear about the wreckless driver? He wrapped his expensive car around a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.

·         What do you call a dead spruce, pine or hemlock? A nevergreen.

·         Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!”

·         What type of fish is the most stingy? Shellfish.

·         Where do jellyfish come from?  Ocean currants, of course.

·         You know the reason that farts smell is so deaf people can enjoy ‘em as well

++++++++++++++++++

A man walks into an all-natural organic restaurant and he looks at the long menu.  Finally the waiter comes around and says, “What can I get for you?”
“How do you prepare your chickens?” says the man.

The waiter replies “We don’t do anything special. We just tell ’em they’re gonna die.”

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“Mr. Jones, I have to complain about your seven-year old son. He’s playing doctor with my daughter.”
Mr. Jones said, “That’s how kids explore sexuality. I don’t see what’s the matter.”
“Exploring sexuality, hell.  He took out her gall bladder.”

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My daughter brought home a boyfriend with great big ugly tattoos, long black greasy hair, and Lord how he hit the booze.
I said, ‘Darling, I’m sure he’s nice, but something makes me nervous.”
She said, “He’s extremely nice.  He’s doing 500 hours of community service.”

Two dog jokes:

"Mommy, mommy!"
"What is it, Timmy?"
"Lassie ate all of the cantaloupes in your garden!"
"Oh, no! Is she sick?"
"No, but she's a little melancholy."

……………………….

A German shepherd walks into a bar and says “Hey, I’m a talking dog. I know other dogs do tricks, but you ever hear one talk? How about a drink for a dog who’s articulate and erudite?”
And the bartender said, “Sure, the toilet’s there, first door on the right.”

Finally, from Woody on beautiful women

Dan Jenkins in his book BAJA OKLAHOMA said it best. At one point in the book he and a friend are riding in his pickup truck slowly through a small town in Texas when his friend spots a stone fox walking down the sidewalk. He asks his buddy who is driving to stop the truck so he can go hit on her. As he is getting out of the truck the driver says, "Just remember one thing. There's a guy in this town who is real tired of that good looking bitch."