I am starting to get a handle on the two
candidates for the Presidency. I made an
analogy for how things were in high school.
Donald would be the big man on campus - just ask him. He would swagger down the hall with his
sycophants in tow, lording over the other kids. He would not study
particularly hard but, hey, they can’t fail him; he’s on the football team so
he gets by academically. Hillary would
be the informal head of the mean girls.
She would be determined to be Valedictorian and studies
relentlessly. Not only that, she sucks
up to the teachers for extra credit. Then she sneaks into the Science Fair and
sabotages other kid’s projects.
Trump’s therapist said that his narcissism causes
him to misread social situations. He, on the other hand, was pretty sure
she was hitting on him.
These are from Dick -
The room was full of pregnant women with their
husbands.
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember
that exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial. It
strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.
Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and
try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."
"Gentlemen, remember --
you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.
In fact, that shared
experience would be good for you both."
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men
absorbed this information.
After a few moments a man, name unknown, at
the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" said the Instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all
right, if she carries a golf bag?
^^^^^^^^^^
Whatever you do in life, always
give 100 percent. Unless you’re donating blood.
Sign on a stable – Caution, floor
covered with political promises.
Common sense is a flower that does
not grow in everyone’s garden.
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it
out.
The location of your mailbox shows you how far
away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a
mental patient.
My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon
and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.
I always wondered what the job application is at
Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”
Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the
meal is on us.” If you’re going to Denny’s on your birthday, your life sucks.
I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny
has an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”
I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a
language entirely out of tattoos.
Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in
touch!
There is an application for everything these days;
even for us worn out old guys: iTired -
there is a nap for that.
Woody provided me with some quotes.
Sometimes,
when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained
a virgin.'
- Lillian
Carter
<><>
I
had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description
in the catalogue: 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
-
Eleanor Roosevelt
<><>
Last
week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since
been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement..
-
Mark Twain
<><>
The
secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to
have the two as close together as possible
-
George Burns
<><>
Santa
Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
-
Victor Borge
<><>
Be
careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-
Mark Twain
<><>
By
all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad
one, you'll become a philosopher.
-
Socrates
<><>
I
was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-
Groucho Marx
<><>
My
wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to
breathe.
-
Jimmy Durante
<><>
I
have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
-
Zsa Zsa Gabor
<><>
Only
Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
-
Alex Levine
<><>
My
luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
-
Rodney Dangerfield
<><>
Money
can't buy you happiness.... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of
misery.
-
Spike Milligan
Or
in the words of a recent country song: ‘Money can’t buy happiness – but it can
buy me a boat.’
<><>
Until
I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT
UP .
-
Joe Namath
<><>
I
don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
-
Bob Hope
<><>
I
never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..
-
W. C. Fields
<><>
We
could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through
Congress.
-
Will Rogers
<><>
Don't
worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
-
Winston Churchill
<><>
Maybe
it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out,
fall out, or spread out..
-
Phyllis Diller
<><>
By
the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
-
Billy Crystal
And
finally, ponder this:
The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was
because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard,
Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Ellie, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of
course Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed
drunk.
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