Sports Time JOW #83

 Ah, that magic time of the year – the weather is cooling so it is a pleasure to walk or jog outside and all four major sports are either underway or are in preseason.   Even golf and NASCAR are on television.  I had two football games and a baseball pennant chase game going on last Sunday.  Or at least that is what I discovered when I woke up from my nap. 

Since it ‘tis the season, I think a few jokes about sports are in order.

The Fridge and the Lord’s Prayer –

Ah, those fabulous Bear teams of the 1980’s with their wonderful cast of colorful characters.  William ‘The Refrigerator’ Perry was a notable standout.  Just before the end of one team meeting Coach Mike Ditka asked the Refrigerator if he would end the meeting by leading the team in the Lord’s Prayer.  Ditka then started making his final points to the team.

One of the defensive players who knew the Refrigerator could tell he was very nervous.

He turned to one of the offensive linemen and whispered, “The Fridge doesn’t know the words to the Lord’s Prayer.”

“Nah, everybody knows how that starts out.”

“I bet you $20 he doesn’t know it.”

“Deal,” agreed the offensive lineman.

Sure enough, when Ditka finished he turned to a very nervous Fridge and said, “William, will you lead us in The Lord’s Prayer?”

Slowly the Refrigerator began to pray: “Now I lay me down to sleep…”

“Damn it,” complained the defensive player handing over the twenty, “I didn’t think he knew it.”

^^^^^^^^^^^

A Red Sox fan liked to amuse himself by scaring every Yankees fan he saw strutting down the street in an obnoxious NY pinstripe shirt. He would swerve his van as if to hit them, then swerve back just missing them. One day while driving along, he saw a priest. He thought he would do a good deed, so he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to give Mass at St. Francis church, about two miles down the road," replied the priest. "Climb in, Father. I'll give you a lift!"

The priest climbed into the passenger seat, and they continued down the road. Suddenly, the driver saw a Yankees fan walking down the road, and he instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, he swerved back onto the road just in time. Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy, he still heard a loud THUD.  Not knowing where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors but still didn't see anything. He then remembered the priest, and he turned to the priest and said, "Sorry Father, I almost hit that Yankees fan."

"That's alright my son," replied the priest "I got him with the door."
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Q: How many San Francisco fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None. Lava lamps don't burn out man!
……………….

Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?  In case he got a hole in one.

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A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Fulton County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the Child Welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Cleveland Browns, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
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Q: How many NCAA basketball players does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one. But he gets money, a car, and three credit hours for it.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

The football coach had a meeting with the University President’s office.

 “I need a raise,” the coach demanded.

“Please,” protested the President, “you already make more than the English department.”

“Maybe so, but you don’t know what I have to put up with.  Let me show you.”

He goes out into the hall and grabbed one of his jocks who was jogging by.  “Run over to my office and see if I’m there,” he told the kid.

Twenty minutes later the jock returned and reported.

“You’re not there.”

After the man left the President shook his head.  “I see what you mean.  I would have phoned.”

Here are some sport’s commentator bloopers:

Baseball announcer: “If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.”

Boxing analyst:  “Sure there have been injuries and even deaths in boxing – but none of them were really that serious.”

Basketball analyst: “He dribbles a lot and the other players don’t like it.  In fact, you can see it all over their faces.”

And Greg Norman responding to a golfing analyst’s question –“I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.”

And finally, here are a few Texas one-liners passed on from Dick.

·         I consider myself a vegetarian once removed.  Animals eat plants, then I eat them.

·         If he was as dumb as dirt he would just about cover an acre.

·         Sign on Texas fence.  BEWARE of ….  Well, Just Beware.