Pachyderms and Asses JOW #837

There is almost constant discussion about the upcoming election.  I personally think the election will not even happen.  Why?  Think about it.  Before 8 November one of two things is certain to happen – either the city of Cleveland, AKA the ‘Mistake by the Lake’, AKA ‘Losertown USA’, will have championships in two major sports at the same time or the Cubs will have won the World Series.  Either of those events is a sign of the Apocalypse and the end of the world. 

However, in recognition of the electoral madness, I have some jokes about the two symbols of the major parties.  

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While on holiday in Kenya and walking through the bush a man comes across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seems distressed so the man approaches very carefully. He gets down on one knee and inspects the bottom of the elephant's foot only to find a large thorn deeply embedded. As carefully and as gently as he can he removes the thorn and the elephant gingerly puts its foot down. The elephant turns to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stares at him. For a good ten minutes the man stands frozen - thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant turns and walks away.

Years later the man is walking through the zoo with his son. As they approach the elephant enclosure, one of the elephants turns and walks over to where they are standing at the rail. It stares at him and the man can't help wondering if this is the same elephant. The man climbs tentatively over the railing and makes his way into the enclosure. He walks right up to the elephant and stares back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant wraps its trunk around one of the man's legs and swings him wildly back and forth along the railing, instantly killing him.

Probably not the same elephant.

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An elephant is drinking out of a river when he spots a turtle asleep on a log. The elephant ambles over and kicks the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river.
“Why did you do that?” asks a passing giraffe.
“Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 47 years ago.”
“Wow, what a memory!” says the giraffe.
“Yes,” says the elephant. “Turtle recall.

Here are some elephant riddles:

Q: Where do elephants with skin problems go?
A: Pachydermatologists.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
A: Eliphino

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.
Q: What weighs 5,000 pounds and wears glass slippers?
A: Cinderelephant.

Q: Why do elephants drink so much?
A: To try to forget.

Q: How does an elephant get down from a tree?
A: He doesn’t! Even elephants know you get down from a goose!

Q: Oh, all right. How do elephants get out of trees?
A: They float down on the leaves between 4pm and 6pm.

Q: How does a programmer catch an elephant?
A: Fly to Cape Town and head east. When you reach the ocean, go north and slightly west. Keep repeating this until you see an elephant, then grab it.

Q: How does an experienced programmer catch an elephant?
A: The same way; but before you start, you place an elephant at Gibraltar, so you won’t fall into the Mediterranean if there are no elephants.

Q: What did the elephant say to a naked man?

A: Hey that thing is cute but can you breathe through it?

From Bill
The king wanted to go fishing. He called on the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.  So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen.

On the way he met a farmer on his donkey.  Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".  

The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard.  He is an extensively educated and experienced professional.  And besides, I pay him very high wages.  He gave me a very different forecast.  I trust him." 

So the king continued on his way.  However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky.  The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.  Furious, the king returned to the palace and fired the professional.  Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.
The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting.  I obtain my information from my donkey.  If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."
So the king hired the donkey.  And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions. 

And finally, another from Bill

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," little Thelma asked her father,

"Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?”

 Thelma's father thinks a bit then says "No, I don't think God would get mad.  Who do you want to give a valentine to?" 

 "The whole ISIS group," she says.

"Why them," her father asks in shock? 

 "Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give them a valentine, they might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.  And if other kids saw what I did and then they sent valentines to them, they'd love everyone a lot.  And then they'd start going all over the place telling everyone how much they loved them and how they didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride.  "Thelma, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Thelma says, "and once that gets them out in the open, the Marines could blow them up."