Sexy Grammar JOW #836

I noticed in the media was shocked, shocked, to discover that Hillary Clinton was disingenuous, often telling groups what they wanted to hear instead of what she believed and that Donald Trump was a coarse, womanizing jerk.  Like we have not known this for years. 

Here are a few jokes starting with some pretty racy (for JOW) jokes about grammar.

Glen sent me some more grammar jokes.

You can’t run though a campground.  You can only ‘ran’ because it’s past tense.

And why is sex so good while camping?  Because it is fuck’in in tents.

For the teenagers – “How to get laid? – Lay in bed.  Wait one hour. Lay becomes past tense.

And the difference between ‘than’ and ‘then’ is important; Example: ‘I’d rather be pissed off, then pissed on takes an entirely different context.

Irony is when someone writes ‘You’re punctuation is terrible.'

Bad grammar just makes me [sic]

Bill had some contributions some of which are included below.

Sign at a bar outside Texas A&M – “Education is important but Cold beer is importanter”

“No senior citizen discounts.  You’ve had twice as long to get the money.”

“Today’s special – Buy two drinks and pay for them.”

“Alcohol will not solve your problems.  But then neither does water or milk.”

+++++++++++

A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

 A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

 The Harley rider replies, 'Nah, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and reacted.'

 The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, tell me about yourself.

The biker replies "I'm a U.S. Marine, a Republican and I'm voting for Trump".

 The journalist leaves.

 The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

  U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT & STEALS HIS LUNCH 

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Ah, growing old, the mind says ‘Yes,” but the body says “what in the hell are you thinking?”

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These are difficult times for musicians:

17/8    19/16    17/16   and 15/8 

And finally this joke:

There was a man, let’s call him Pat who was famous for dropping names.  His friends had to have repairs done to their floors from all the heavy names he dropped during his visits.  One day he was with his friend Woody and Pat claimed he knew the Playboy Bunny of the month.

“She’s a great little cook,” Pat told his friend Woody.

“You are full of crap,” protested Woody.  “Let’s make a bet.  We can fly out to LA and prove it.”

The terms of the bet were agreed to and both men, being currently unencumbered by employment, hopped on a plane and flew right out there.  At the Playboy mansion Pat was recognized and let right in.  Sure enough, the young woman in question came out and greeted Pat with a big hug.

“I know a lot of people in the entertainment industry,” Pat explained, “from back when I did some legal work for my good friend Steven Spielberg.”

“I don’t believe that for an instant,” retorted Woody.  “Double or nothing?”
So they jumped in a car and drove across town to the studio.  Once again, Pat was immediately recognized and taken in to see the important producer.  Spielberg came out his office and shook Pat’s hand chiding him good naturedly about waiting so long to come visit.

“Okay,” Woody grumbled, “you know a lot of people in the entertainment industry.”

“I know people in finance, too,” Pat said.  “Warren Buffett is a close friend.”

“Bull roar.  Let’s go to Omaha and prove it.  Double or nothing again?”

Off they went to Omaha where once again Pat was welcomed warmly.

“Alright, you know a lot of people in finance and entertainment,” Woody admitted.

“Oh, I know people in lots of fields, even religion.  As a matter of fact I know the Pope quite well.”

‘Now I gotcha’, thought Woody and he quickly challenged Pat to prove it with the usual terms.

Off they jetted to Rome followed by a taxi ride to St. Peter’s Square in the Vatican.  There was a huge crowd waiting for the pontiff to come out and bless them.

“Wait here,” Pat said confidently and made his way to the door.  He whispered in the ear of the Swiss guardsman and to Woody’s astonishment was permitted entry.

A few minutes later the Pope came out onto the balcony in his white robes waving to the cheering crowd and there, right next to him was Pat.

“Would you look at that,” said Woody in astonishment.

“Yeah,” said a stranger standing next to him.  “Who is the guy in white next to Pat?”