Now that the election is over and the holidays nearly so
I notice the news is really reaching for stories. This is a good thing. I would much rather hear them blather about
the death of some entertainer long past his prime then to hear new international
outrages or the latest bloody accident/tragedy.
Winter has been a season of peace; it was too cold to get up to serious
mischief away from home.
Here are half a dozen jokes you might enjoy - and may all
your mischief be of the fun kind and at home.
Dan hated dogs – he hated them with a passion. One rainy day he was driving down a street
when he saw a man running down the street with two big wet dogs after him.
“I have to help this guy,” thought Dan. He pulled up alongside the guy and shouted “Hurry,
hop in.”
“Thanks,” said the man as he opened the back door
wide. “It’s always hard for me to get a
ride when I have my two dogs with me. Hop on in, boys.”
================
A mother was walking with
her four year old daughter when she saw her child pick up something from the
ground and start to put it in her mouth.
“Don’t do that,” she
instructed her daughter as she took the item away.
“Why?”
“Because it has been on
the ground and it is dirty and has germs on it.”
“Mommy, you are so smart; how
do you know all this stuff?”
Thinking quickly the mom
said, “All moms know things like that.
It is on the Mommy Test. You have
to pass the test or they don’t let you be a Mommy.”
They walked along in
silence while the youngster digested this.
“Oh, I get it!” she
beamed. “If you don’t pass the test you have to be the daddy.”
“Exactly,” the mom smiled
back.
++++++++++++
Hillary and Donald walk into a bakery. She can’t help herself - she steals two of
the pastries and slips them into her purse.
She turns to Donald and says, “See how clever I am? Nobody noticed what I did.”
Donald is shocked.
“Why that is just simple theft. Let
me show you how it is done.”
Donald walks over to the owner and says, “Give me two of
those pastries and I will show you an amazing trick.”
Intrigued, the owner hands him a pastry. Donald gulps it down. “Now give me another one.” And he swallows that one, too.
The owner, suspicious, asks, “Hey, where are my pastries?”
Donald smiles and says, “Look in
Hillary’s purse.”
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
The
owner of a wineshop got a call in the middle of the night from one of his
regular customers. “John, I have a
little problem. When does your shop
open?”
“Alfie,
I just closed up an hour ago. I won’t be
opening up until tomorrow morning. And
he hung up.
An
hour later he got another call from the same guy who is now very drunk. “John how long until you open? My need is urgent.”
“I
told you Alfie, I won’t open until the morning.
And you don’t sound like you need any more wine.”
“John,
I have plenty of wine; what I need is way out of your shop. It’s locked up!”
A Jewish businessman sent his son over to Israel for a
year so he could learn more about their culture.
When he came back home the son said, “Dad, Israel is
great! Oh, and by the way, I became a
Christian.”
“Oh, no, what have I done?” bemoaned the father.
He sought consolation from his best friend.
“What a coincidence,” said his friend. I, too sent my son to Israel and became a
Christian, too.”
So they went to the rabbi and told him about their problem.
“What a coincidence,” the rabbi said. “I sent my son to Israel and he, too, became
a Christian. Let us pray to God Almighty. “Oh, Lord, we sent our sons to Israel and
they became Christians. What is
happening to our sons?”
Suddenly there was a great light and a resonant voice was
heard. “What a coincidence. I too, sent my son to Israel…”
````````````````````
A couple was celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. As they sat over dinner, the wife made a
confession.
“Bill, you know that box that you kept in the basement
all these years? The one you told me
never to open? Well last month my
curiosity finally overcame me and I opened it.”
Bill sighed in disappointment.
“But all I found inside,” his wife told him, “were three
empty beer bottles and $27 in change.
Can I ask why you were keeping those beer bottles for all this time?”
“Well, I have a confession, too, dear. Every time I was unfaithful to you I would
come down here and open a beer and think about how I really love you and how
sorry I was to have strayed. Then I put
the empty in this box. The beer bottles
reminded me of the mistakes I made by being with other women.”
She was disappointed of course. But then she had known he was no angel when she
married him. And three times in fifty
years was not so bad. “Bill, this is
hard but we have been through worse. I
love you and forgive you. But why was
there $27 in the box?”
Bill shrugged. “Every
time I filled up the box with empty beer bottles I took them back for the deposit.”
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