Gunslinging JOW #842

 Ruth and I have returned from our cruising vacation to the Adriatic, Ionian, and Mediterranean Sea and so I am back in the JOW saddle.  All of you can expect to get one of my illustrated write-ups of our trip – another of my ‘Articles for a Non-existent Magazine.”  On the upside, according to my friend Tor, my magazine pays the same amount as Sailing which is to say nothing at all.

My jokes this week have nothing to do with vacations, ships, cruising, or Europe.  They are about gun slinging cowboys.  Why not?

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The old prospector shuffled into town leading a tired old donkey.  The man headed to the only saloon in town and tied his old donkey to the hitching post.  As he stood there brushing the dust from his clothes a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a six shooter in one hand and a drink in the other.  He looked at the old man and laughed.

“Hey, old man, have you ever seen a donkey dance?”

“No, I never did.”

“Well watch this, you old fool.” And with that he began shooting at the poor donkey’s feet.  The old donkey started jumping around, bucking and whinnying in fear.  When the last bullet was fired the young gunslinger holstered his gun and turned back to go back to the saloon.  The old man went over to his donkey and, settling him down, pulled a big old double barreled shotgun out of the back.  The sound of the two hammers being cocked back carried clearly to the gunslinger who stopped in his tracks.  He turned around and looked into the gaping holes of those big twin barrels pointed right in his face.

“So, you young whipper snapper, have you ever kissed a donkey’s ass?”

The bully boy swallowed hard and said, “No, sir, but I’ve always wanted to.”

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A cowboy swaggered into the saloon.  Looking around he saw an unattended hat on the bar.  Pulling out his six shooter he shot the hat from the bar, causing it to jump ten feet into the air.  With incredible precision the cowboy fired five more shots, each one sending the well perforated hat in another direction.

The bartender looked up from cleaning a glass and said, “mighty fine shooin’ pardner.”

The cowboy smiled with pride.

“Now is I was you,” continued the barman, “I’d file down the fore sight and put some oil all over the barrel of your gun.”

“Will that make me shoot better?” asked the young would be gunslinger.

“Nope,” replied the barkeep nodding over to a large, angry man who was making his way over, “but that hat belongs to Mad Dog Johnson and I think he is about to shove that pistol right up your ass.

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Two Jehovah’s Witnesses knocked on a door.  The home owner opened the door.

“Good morning, would you like to learn about God today.”

The home owner let them in.  They slowly entered and sat down on the couch across from the house owner.  After a minute or so the home owner asked, “Well?”

The Jehovah’s Witnesses look at each other and says “We don’t know what to say.  We’ve never made it this far before.”

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Once upon a time, a long time ago, John Wayne walked into a bar.

He asked the bartender if he can use his private restroom.

“No!” says the bartender:

“You can use the public one, just like everybody else!”

John Wayne replies:

“Oh come on man, I’m John Wayne!”

“No preferential treatment, either use the public one, or get out.”

John Wayne thinks for a while before he gives in and headed off to the men’s room.

A few moments later he returns with his left pant-leg totally soaked.

“What the hell happened to you?”, exclaimed the bartender.

“Happens to me every time! I go up to the urinal, and the guy standing next to me turns around saying: “Hey! It’s John Wayne!”

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The guy was trying to pick up a girl in a bar. 

Woman – Do you drink beer?

Man – Yes

Woman – How many beers a day

Man – About three

Woman – How much do you pay per beer?

Man – Oh, about $5

Woman – And how long have you been drinking?

Man – Maybe twenty years.

Woman – So you have three beers at $5 a day which puts your beer costs at about $450 which in a year would be $5400, right.

Man – I guess so.

Woman – If in one year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, that would be about $108,000, or even more over twenty years.

Man – Okay

Woman – Do you know that if you didn’t drink beer, the money you saved could have been put in a step-up interest saving account which after twenty years means you would have had enough money to buy a Ferrari?

Man – Hmmmm...Do you drink beer?

Woman – No.

Man – So where is your Ferrari?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level.   

The man described a typical day this way:  "Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake and took a leak behind big trees.

Inspired by the story, the doctor said,"You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"

"Not really," he replied.........."I'm just a really bad golfer."

 Woody sent me this one; it is from an earlier era.

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client, "Saul, I have some good news and, I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million and I think she could be right."

Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman!

You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news.

What is it?"

The lawyer replied,   "The pictures are of you with your secretary."