Tis the Season JOW #844

 In case none of you noticed, it ‘tis the season.  Christmas is like some baby shower that went totally overboard.  Fortunately, I have reached an age where I can get away with giving ‘token’ gifts.  Token from the Gaelic meaning ‘cheap.’  In fact, this holiday season, in lieu of gifts, I've decided to just give most of you my opinion.

I do not even send out cards anymore.  Ruth and I haven’t changed much, and I send out periodic trip reports if I do anything interesting.  One thing I do want to do is use this Joke of the Week to wish all of you a Very Merry Christmas and a happy, nay, Joyful New Year.

Here are a few holiday-themed jokes.
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I once bought my kid a set of batteries for Christmas.  There was a note on it saying “Toys not included.”

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One Christmas, my grandfather gave me a box of broken glass. He gave my sister a box of 
Band-Aids and said, “You two share.”

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The 4 stages of life:

1. You believe in Santa Claus

2. You don't believe in Santa Claus

3. You dress up as Santa Claus

4. You look like Santa Claus
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The fast food twelve days of Christmas
On the twelfth day of Christmas, My drive through gave to me:

Twelve bottles of Pepto,

Eleven pounds of blubber,

Ten baked potatoes,

Nine polish hot dogs,

Eight bowls of chili,

Seven pints of cole slaw,

Six chocolate milkshakes,

Five onion rings,

Four Egg McMuffins,

Three Biggie Fries,

Two Happy Meals,

And a Big Bacon Classic with Cheese

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A store Santa had a little boy ask for an electric train set.

“If you get your train,” Santa told him, “your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that all right?”

The boy became very quiet. So, moving the conversation along, Santa asked, “What else would you like Santa to bring you?”

He promptly replied, “Another train.”

Some Christmas Knock Knock jokes:

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Hanna
Hanna who?
Hanna partridge in a pear tree!

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Harold
Harold who?
Hark the Harold Angels Sing!

And some Christmas riddles for the little ones

Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?
Because he had a low "elf" esteem!

What kind of motorcycle does Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson!

What do you call a dog who works for Santa?
Santa Paws

Here are a few non-seasonal jokes that come to mind.

A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home.

At last he decided to drive miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife:

“Jen, is the cat there?”

“Yes”, the wife answers, “why do you ask?”

Frustrated, the man answered:

“Put that stupid cat on the phone, I’m lost and need directions!”

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“Hi, my name is Helen,” said the lady next to him on the plane.  “It is so nice to meet you.  I am flying to go to my grandson’s third birthday.  I can remember when he was just a little thumbkin and now he is almost three!  It is so hard to believe.  He is the most adorable thing you have ever seen!  Here, let me show you some of my pictures of him I have on my phone.  See that little dimple?  So adorable!  I could stare at him all day long.”

After what seemed like an hour to the poor man who was sitting next to her, Helen seemed to realize that she was talking a bit too much.

“You know, I feel terrible.   Here I am just talking and talking without letting you get a word in edgewise.  So, tell me, what do you think about by grandson?”

This one is for my scientist friends:

A physicst, a biologist, and chemist walked down the beach to see the ocean, the first time for any of them had seen it.

They stood together in awe at the waves crashing on the beach.

“Look at those waves,” exclaimed the physicst.  They are much like a material example of electronic waves.  I must study them further!”

And with that he waded out into the surf, never to be seen again.

“All the incredible life forms in that ocean, from tiny plankton to enormous whales.  I must study them more closely.”  And he, too, waded out, never to be seen again.

The chemist watched the waves for a few minutes.  There was no sign of his fellow scientist.  He pulled out his note pad and carefully wrote:  ‘Physists and biologists are soluble in seawater.’

And finally, an old joke recalled from my recent trip to Greece and Italy.

An Italian and a Greek were debating their cultures.

“You Italians learned everything you know from us Greeks’” scoffed the Greek.  “For example we invented architecture.”

“Yes, but we improved upon everything you did.  For example, we made the Coliseum.”

“We Greeks invented the art of sculpture.”

“But we had Michelangelo’s David.”

We invented the art of painting.”

But we Italians made the Mona Lisa.”

Frustrated the Greek said, “We Greeks invented the art of love.”

“Ah,” said the Italian, “but we introduced it to women.”