Regifted JOW #850

I always like getting input from the JOW community.  They help me develop a theme and that tends to help fertilize my imagination.  And yes, that is natural, organic fertilizer.  Or as my old dad said to me just before he kicked the bucket: “Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”  I took some of the inputs I got and am re-gifting them to you.  Enjoy.

From Pat: Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change color?  He had reptile dysfunction.

Bill sent me these six little definitions

  

 {1} Once all villagers decided to pray for rain. On the day of prayer all the people gathered, but only one boy came with an umbrella.

 That's FAITH.

  {2} When you throw babies in the air, they laugh because they know you will catch them.

 That's TRUST.

 {3} Every night we go to bed without any assurance of being alive the next morning, but still we    set the alarms to wake up.

 That's HOPE.

 {4} We plan big things for tomorrow in spite of zero knowledge of the future.

 That's CONFIDENCE.

 {5} We see the world suffering, but still we get married and have children.

 That's LOVE.

 {6} On an old man's shirt was written a sentence: 'I am not 80 years old; I am sweet 16 with 64 years of experience.'

 That's ATTITUDE.

Some thoughts:

* Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year; not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
* Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
* If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
* I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
* When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
* A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.
* Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
* America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
* You know that tingly little feeling you get when you are attracted to someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.
* Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw fish to them?
* I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
* Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.
* Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.
* You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.

* Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad 

* You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
* I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
* Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
* You're never too old to learn something stupid.
* I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

* Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.  

And a few from me:

First man: ‘Obesity runs in my family.’

Second man: ‘The real problem is nobody runs in your family.’

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A truckload of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins; what a turtle disaster   

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Two guys stole a calendar.  They each got six months.

I saw a man and a woman in Walmart with matching bar codes tattooed on their arms.  I walked up to them and said, “Are you two an item?”

_______

A woman was recalling her first husband: “I’ll never forget the first time I saw him, standing up on a hill, his hair blowing in the breeze — and he too proud to run and get it.” 

+++++++++++++

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once, dear. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I’m so indebted to her for. – W.C. Fields

            And this one:

‘I always keep a flask of whiskey handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.’

 Finally from Woody some thoughts on English.

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant,
nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins
weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are
candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for
granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work
slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor
is it a pig.