Bookish JOW #852

My JOW is quite late this week.  My main computer was running slowly on the internet so I went to the Microsoft store to ask what I could do.  “Brining your machine in for a free quick tune up,” they said.  “It will be easy,” they said.  We can have it back to you by Tuesday,” they said.  So, late last night I finally got my computer back.  All I have to do now is reinstall (and in some cases purchase) my applications.  Sigh.

I case some of you missed it my new novel is out on Amazon.  You can purchase an online copy for your reader or computer for only 99 cents.  To find my new book, and all my old ones as well, just go to Amazon.com and type in Thos. Pinney in the search bar. 

With books on my mind my jokes are more or less related to literary things:

I was once asked, ‘I can't understand why you took a year to wright a novel when you can buy one for a few bucks.’

_____________

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl!" 

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages. 

~~~~~~~~~~

Man: CAN I HAVE A BURGER AND FRIES?
Librarian: This is a library!
Man: (whispers) Can I have a burger and fries?

“””””””””””””””

How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to screw the bulb almost all the way in, and one to give a surprising twist at the end.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

How many authors does it take to change a light bulb?

That’s not important, let me tell you about my new book!

----------------------

How many screenwriters does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Ten.
1st draft. Hero changes light bulb.
2nd draft. Villain changes light bulb.
3rd draft. Hero stops villain from changing light bulb. Villain falls to death.
4th draft. Lose the light bulb.
5th draft. Light bulb back in. Fluorescent instead of tungsten.
6th draft. Villain breaks bulb, uses it to kill hero's mentor.
7th draft. One writer to ask if it ‘really’ needs to be changed.
8th draft. Hero forces villain to eat light bulb.
9th draft. Hero laments loss of light bulb. Doesn't change it.
10th draft. Hero changes light bulb

++++++++++++++++++++

A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus.
"It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway," he said.
"Actually," said his guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation."
The visitor was astonished. "Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?"
"Yes, indeed," said his guide. "He wrote a check."

>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Did you hear the one about the pregnant woman who went into labor and began to yell, "Couldn't! Wouldn't! Shouldn't! Didn't! Can't!"?

She was having contractions.

Some book quotes:

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
- P.J. O’Rourke
If good books did good, the world would have been converted long ago.
- George Moore

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
- Woody Allen
One trouble with developing speed reading skills is that by the time you realize a book is boring you've already finished it.
- Franklin P. Jones

There are worse crimes than burning books. One of them is not reading them.
- Joseph Brodsky

A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author.
- Gilbert K. Chesterton

I heard that Amazon has started a program to try to get people to trade in their old bound books to get an electronic reader. They call it “Kindling.”
- Kate Deimling
Not all readers are leaders, but all leaders are readers.
- Harry S Truman
Reading made Don Quixote a gentleman. Believing what he read made him mad.
- George Bernard Shaw

One advantage reading books has over TV is you can’t read books and do housework at the same time.
- Melanie White

When I visit a new bookstore, I demand cleanliness, computer monitors, and rigorous alphabetization. When I visit a secondhand bookstore, I prefer indifferent housekeeping, sleeping cats, and sufficient organizational chaos.
- Anne Fadiman
What do I miss? Second-hand bookshops where I can find things I had no idea I wanted.
- David Mitchell

CHILDREN'S BOOKS THAT ARE NOT RECOMMENDED BY THE NATIONAL LIBRARY ASSOC

Clifford the Big Dog is Put to Sleep

Charles Manson Bedtime Stories
Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear
Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
Things Rich Kids Have, but you never will

The Shortest Books Ever Written

1000 Years of German Humor
The Code of Ethics for Lawyers
Italian War Heroes
The Australian Book of Foreplay
The Vatican List of Celibate Priests
Americans’ Guide to Etiquette
Bill Clinton: A Portrait of Integrity
Jerry Garcia’s Guide to Beating Drug Addiction
Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu
Countries Competing In The World Series
The Englishman’s Guide to the Secrets of Romance

Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant:

The French book - The Sex Life of the Elephant or: 1000 ways to cook Elephant
The English book - Elephants I have shot on Safari
The Welsh book - The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and culture
The American book - How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants
The Japanese book - How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants
The Finnish book - What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People
The German book - A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6.
The Icelandic book - Defrosting an Elephant
*************

A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell.
She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.
“Oh my,” said the writer. “Let me see heaven now.”
A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes.
“Wait a minute,” said the writer. “This is just as bad as hell!”
“Oh no, it’s not,” replied an unseen voice. “Here, your work gets published.”