Chuck Norris Strikes again - with a roundhouse kick JOW #853

I got to thinking about Chuck Norris jokes.  Chuck Norris is 76 – or should I say 76 turned Chuck Norris? The actor and martial artist, might have an impressive resume but it is an internet craze for which he is now best known. "Chuck Norris facts" have arguably overshadowed all of the actor's previous achievements. Deliberately absurd, and focusing on Norris's virility, manliness and all-round heroism, a typical "Chuck Norris fact" runs something like: "Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting."

Here are a few more just for fun.

·         He who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris, it's definitely his last laugh.

·         Chuck Norris was bitten by a cobra and after five days of excruciating pain... the cobra died.

·         If Chuck Norris was a Spartan in the movie 300, the movie would be called 1.

·         Faster than a speeding bullet... More powerful than a locomotive... Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... These are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.

·         Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has dared call him on it. Ever.

·         Superheroes read Chuck Norris comics.

·         When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.

·         In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.

·         The boogieman looks under his bed for Chuck Norris.

·         Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number. You answered the wrong phone.

·         If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.

·         Cats tell each other that they have Chuck Norris-like reflexes.

·         Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

·         It only takes Chuck Norris twenty minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

·         When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

·         Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

·         Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

·         Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

·         Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

·         Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

·         Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

·         Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

·         Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.

·         Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all three at the same time.

·         Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

·         The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

·         Chuck Norris does not sleep; he waits.

Lexophilia from Dick

·         Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

·         A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy

·         I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

·         Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

·         England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

·         I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

·         They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

·         I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

·         I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

·         This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

·         I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

·         I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

·         I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

·         When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

·         What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

·         All the toilets in the police station have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

·         I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Bill supplied these questions

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

 Whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

And these Irish jokes

I never think before I talk.  I like to be just as surprised as everyone else about what I say.

Friendship is when people know all about you but like you anyway.

It does not matter how much money you have, how big your house is, or how much land you own, all graves are the same size.

The brain is an amazing organ.  It develops gradually and works hard from birth right up until you fall in love.

Every woman’s dream:  A big strong man takes her in his arms, throws her on to the bed…. And then cleans the whole house while she takes a nap.

An old couple were sitting on the porch.

I remember when you held my hand,” said the old lady.

The old man reach over and took her hand.

“I remember when you kissed me all the time.”

The old man gave her a peck on the cheek.

She continued, “I remember when you used to nibble on my neck.”

The old man got up and shuffled into the house.

“Where are you going?”

“To put my teeth in.”

And finally one from Woody

After my prostate exam, which was one of the most thorough examinations I’ve ever had, the doctor left and the nurse came in. 

As she shut the door, she asked me a question i didn't want to hear.

She said, "who was that guy?"