Mishmash JOW #689

As usual I have some extra jokes left over from last week’s theme – Dad jokes.  This week I just threw some old various bits together from here and there along with the leftovers.  I hope you enjoy them.

First, the recycled jokes:

Why does Dad take an extra pair of socks to his golf game?
In case he gets a hole in one

‘How do I look, Dad?’

‘With your eyes.’

‘Dad, I lost all my numbers.  Can you text them to me?’

‘0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9   There, that should be all of them.  Feel free to rearrange as necessary.’

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Pasquale died. His will provided $40,000 for an elaborate funeral.

 As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Angelina turned to her oldest and dearest friend.

 "Ah well, Pasquale would be pleased," she said.

"You're right," replied Maria, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.

 "So go on, how much did this really cost?"

 "All of it," said Angelina. "Forty thousand."

 "Aw No!" Maria exclaimed, "I mean, it was very grand, but $40,000?!!!"

 Angelina answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church.  The whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500.  The rest went for the Memorial Stone."

 Maria computed quickly.

 "Mama Mia!!!  For the love of God Angelina, $32,500 for a Memorial Stone?  How big is it?"

“About six carats.”  

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The other day I was aT home.  I told my wife ‘I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.   If it comes to that, just pull the plug.’

So my wife took away my beer and unplugged the TV set.

Things have gotten so bad that:

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail

Exxon has had to lay off 25 congressmen

CEOs are having to play miniature golf

Wall Street has been renamed Walmart Street

Motel Six turned off the light

Some quick one-liners:

·         Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

·         I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom… until they are flashing behind you.

·         When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

·         A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.

·         Relationships are a lot like algebra Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

·         The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

·         I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey. But then I turned myself around.

·         Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the P is silent.

·         I asked a French man if he played video games. He said "Wii"

·         What do you call a nose without a body? Nobody knows.

·         The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

·         Me: "Doctor you've got to help me, I'm addicted to Twitter." Doctor: "I don't follow you."

·         Yesterday a clown held the door open for me. It was a nice jester.

·         I thought about going on an all-almond diet, but that's just nuts.

·         I am terrified of elevators. I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them.

·         I love elevator jokes. They work on so many levels.

·         Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.

·         I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

·         A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that's the last thing I need.

·         A horse is a very stable animal.

·         I met a girl at an internet cafe, but we didn't click.

·         The indecisive rower couldn't choose either oar.

·         In plumbing, a flush beats a full house.

·         I used to work for a soft drink can crushing company. It was soda pressing.

·         Steak puns...they're a rare-medium, well done.

·         I have a fear of speed bumps. I'm slowly getting over it.

·         I ate a clock yesterday. It was so time consuming.

·         A magician was walking down the street. Then he turned into a grocery store.

·         How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.

·         Did you hear about the guy who jumped off a bridge in Paris? He was in Seine.

·         "Hey, Dad, whats this movie about?" It's about two hours.

·         Why do bears have hairy coats? Fur protection.

·         I hate perforated lines, they're tearable.

·         Want to hear my pizza joke? Never mind, it's too cheesy.

·         How do you make a hankie dance? Put a little boogie in it.

·         What's brown and sticky? A stick.

·         "I hate oyings." "What is an oying?" "This joke is."

·         Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Its ok, he woke up.

·         My sea sickness comes in waves.

·         I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there.

·         Without geometry life is pointless.

·         No matter how much you push the envelope, it's still stationery.

Finally, some random cow jokes:

Two cows are standing in a field.

One cow turns to the other and said, “Did you hear we are having an epidemic of mad cow disease?”

The other one says, “Good thing that I’m a helicopter.”

Why is mad cow disease such a problem?  Can’t they just send them to anger management?

A bull was surreptitiously watching some other cows.  It was a steak out.

There is no use in talking to a cow.  Whatever you say goes in one ear and out the udder.