Bad dad JOW #867

I love ‘dad jokes’.  There are five people who are painfully aware of that.  I possess an ample pool of ‘bad dad jokes.’  Is there any other kind?  Jokes, not dads. Since I have so many on hand I thought I would share some of them with you all this week.

----------------------------------

My son asked me where I kept all my dad jokes, I told him…they were stored in my dadabase.…

I entered a dad joke competition and won $1000.  It was a grand dad joke.

Dad, make me a sandwich!' Dad: 'Poof, You’re a sandwich!'

A son asked his dad for his best dad joke and he said, 'You.'”

Dad – Go to your room!

Son – Jim Morrison was overrated!

Dad – What did I tell you about slamming The Doors?

This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, 'No, just leave it in the carton!'

Whenever we drive past a graveyard my dad says, 'Do you know why I can’t be buried there?' 

And we all say, 'Why not?' 

And he says, 'Because I’m not dead yet!'

Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.'

A guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.

The bartender says "Pal, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line."

The guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says, "I think we got this joke wrong."

My wife is trying to increase her daily water intake. I told her, "If you want to try and keep up, I already finished my first quart for the day."

She replied, "No, we don't want to turn this into a pissing contest."

My neighbor asked me if I could come over next weekend and help him strain some pasta...

I told him I'd have to check my colander.

I hate when people ask me where I see myself in 3 years.

Like come on guys, I don't have 2020 vision!

Joseph Stalin should have known communism wouldn't work...

I mean seriously, there were red flags everywhere.

Communism jokes aren't funny unless everyone gets them.

What word in the dictionary is always spelled incorrectly?

Incorrectly...

Someone in my accounting class asked about extra credit.

Professor: "I'm sorry I don't give extra credit in this class"

Me: "yeah but do you give extra debit?"

Bee keepers have the prettiest eyes... Because beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.

Here's one in Spanish: UNO.

A man looked at his pregnant wife and said: "I wonder if it isn't really hot in there, for the baby."

She replied: "It's likely womb-temperature."

The CEO of Pepsi was fired this morning.

He tested positive for coke.

My dad and I were out for steak last night when the manager came around and asked "How did you find your steak?"

Dad goes, "I just moved the potato and there it was!"

The Spartans would throw away old weapons. They thought that if it wasn't sharp, it didn't have a point."

I'd like to thank my legs for always supporting me, my arms for always being by my side and my fingers... I could always count on them.

I really feel like I have a bad posture.

I have a hunch.

Is "Africa" by Toto a country song?

No, it's a continent song.

I was asked to give the first initial and last name of my favorite philosopher...

But I said "I. Kant."

I poured root beer in a square glass.

Now I just have beer.

I was carrying my ukulele in its case at school and my friend asked, "You play an instrument?"

I replied, "Yeah, I play a little guitar."

Why did the old man fall in the well?

Because he couldn't see that well.

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. 

Judge says, 'First offender?' 

She says, 'No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!'

I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

A shepherd asked a statistician to help him round up his 37 sheep.

"Forty," replied the statistician. 

Two men meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other "I need you to help me get to the other side!"

The other guy replies "You are on the other side!"

Is it going to be hot or cold today?  

 If you are in Chinle Arizona the answer is, Yes.

           

And in conclusion, dad bits of wisdom:

·         Time flies when you take two naps a day

·         No matter how kind you are, German children are kinder. (At least they are in German)

·         My winter fat has turned into spring rolls.

·         The rotation of the world really makes my day

·         If only alarm clock snooze minutes were as long as microwave minutes

·         Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you staff it enough

·         I’m not passive/aggressive like *some* people

·         Warning: Going to sleep on Sunday can lead to Monday

·         Spilling a beer is the adult equivalent of losing a balloon.

·         Everything unrelated to elephants is irrelephant

·         ATM’s where you can buy your own money

·         Why don’t they call canine vets dogtors?

·         Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol

·         A zoo is a really safe place to fart

·         What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.

·         A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

·         One wrong flip of an omelet and…. you are having scrambled eggs

·         Mountains are more than funny… they are hill areas

·         My favorite flavor of ice cream is more

·         My statistics instructor called me average.  How mean.

·         I prefer my kale with silent ‘k’

 ·         Latte – Italian for ‘you paid too much for that coffee.’

·         Beer is like pouring smiles on your brain

·         You can’t buy happiness but you can buy margaritas

·         Remember, if you can’t say something nice, make it funny