Fair Warning, JOW #890

 We live in a very protected, risk adverse society.  We are so used to warnings such as ‘do not stop the chainsaw with your hand’ that we no longer see them.  I’m not saying kill all the stupid people.  Just remove some of the warning labels and let the problem resolve itself.

Here are a few examples of warning signs for stupid people:

‘May contain eggs’ – on a carton of eggs.

‘Warning – do not put any person in this washing machine.’

On microwave – ‘Do not use for drying pets.’

On a rectal thermometer – ‘Warning - Do not use orally after using rectally.’

‘Warning – be certain fan blades have stopped before removing and replacing fans.’

‘This product is not intended as a dental drill’ – on a carpenter’s drill

‘Do not eat the iPad Shuffle.’  (Actually found on the Apple website.)

‘If you cannot read these directions and warnings, do not use this product.’

‘Never use a match or lighter to check the fuel level in the gas tank.’

‘Not intended for highway use.’ – pasted on a wheelbarrow.

“Warning – this zipper may harm your penis.’

‘Harmful if swallowed.’ – on a box of fish hooks

Alcoholic beverages have such warnings.  But as Bill, pointed out, there need to be lots of warnings on alcohol.  Here are some suggestions:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing – badly.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lover is really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your butt kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose name you can't remember).

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead to unexpected pregnancies.

All this makes me wonder, if we were all forced to wear a warning, what would yours say?

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In addition to unnecessary warnings we are also constantly being bombarded with demands that we hew the ‘politically correct’ line.

Political Correctness for dog shows:

The AKC dispenses with dog and bitch classes for being gender biased. Gender Neutral classes will make up the bulk of competition, which will also no longer include Veteran's Class or Puppy Class as they smack of age discrimination.

First through fourth placements will no longer be offered since anything less than a first place may potentially damage self-esteem. The judge will, instead, distribute amber colored ribbons to all participants, pat them on the back and tell them they all did a good job.

Owners of dogs will no longer be referred to as "owners," since this suggests oppression of one species over another. Henceforth, 'owners' will come to be known as 'sapien partners.'

Professional Handling is considered bourgeois as society comes to consider the blatant exchange of money for services to be tasteless and unequal. Handlers will offer their abilities gratis for 'the good of the world' and henceforth will be called "pattern facilitators."

Since no one person is better than another, the concept of 'trained and/or qualified" judges will be obliterated. Anyone who likes dogs will be qualified to stand in a ring under the auspices of the AKC. The result is that dog shows can be held anytime, anywhere, since anybody can distribute amber colored ribbons.

 Litter registrations, breeding records, etc. will no longer be monitored or considered public record; after all, what a 'sapien partner' and their dog does with his or her personal life is none of anyone's business.

Obedience competition will have been overhauled since the idea of one species taking orders from another was deemed abhorrent. Instead, sapien partners and their dogs will enter the ring with no leashes.  The sapien partner might suggest some things to the dogs like -

 "Precious, let's sit, shall we? We'll do it together.” “Precious, how do you feel about walking around the ring? Not today? Ok.”

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Woody went into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church

Inside he found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.  On one wall, there’s a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.  On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in.

 Woody looks up and says, “Father, forgive me, for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.”

He replies:” Get out, you idiot. You’re on my side.”

Random Thoughts:

“If Internet Explorer is brave enough to ask to be your default browser, your brave enough to ask that girl out.” - Abraham Lincoln 1863

And finally:

I am not worried about the zombie apocalypse.  I am in Chinle.  Everything here is ten years behind the rest of the world.  Of course, I will be back home next week.  Then I will just go to Costco.  They have concrete walls, plenty of food, and zombies can’t get inside without a Costco membership card.