The hardest part of my jokes of the week is
coming up with a theme. I tend to
remember jokes by subject. Once I have one then typically things start to flow. Sometimes I am inspired by ideas
sent to me by my JOW sufferers; such as some recent animal-related ones that got me started. There are a couple of non-animal jokes at the
end so read all the way through.
--------------------------
What did the cow say to her calves at dark?
“Come on you two, it’s pasture bedtime.”
Bill has been giving me a lot of good
stuff lately. Here are some of them:
In 1996,
Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State
University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a very young bull
elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed
distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee,
inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded
in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with
his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man with a
rather curious look, and stared directly at him for several tense moments.
Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Finally, the
elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and moved away. Peter never forgot that
elephant, or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through
the New Orleans Zoo with his girlfriend. As they approached the elephant
enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over, near to where Peter and
his girlfriend Misty were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter,
lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that
several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring directly at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1996, Peter could
not help but wonder if this was the same elephant. And the longer he wondered,
the more certain he became.
Peter climbed over the railing and made his
way past the barriers into the enclosure. He approached the elephant slowly,
and stared up in wonder at the magnificent creature. Then, the elephant
trumpeted one more time, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed
him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn’t the same elephant…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Dog joke (left over from the dog
series)
What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?
A labracadabrador.
Which
led to these emerging dog breeds:
Airedale x Malamute = Airmal, litters that go
first class
Airedale X Spaniel = Airel, a dog that brings
in good TV reception
Akita x Shiba Inu = SHIKITA, a bright yellow,
banana shaped dog
Basenji X Schipperke = Baserke, a dog that's
mad about its owner
Bloodhound X Labrador = Blabador, a dog that
barks incessantly
Bloodhound X Borzoi = Bloody Bore, a dog
that's not much fun
Boxer X German Shorthair = Boxer Shorts, a dog
never seen in public
Bull Terrier x Shitzu = Bullshitz, a
gregarious but unreliable breed
Cairn Terrier x Jack Russell Terrier =
Cairjack, can never find him when you have a flat tire
Chihuahua X Whippet = Chiapet, order from TV
ads; 3 for $19.95
Cocker Spaniel x Rottweiler = Cockrot, the
perfect puppy for that philandering ex-husband
Collie X Malamute = Commute, a dog that
travels to work
Collie X Lhasa Apso = Collapso, a dog that
folds up for easy transport
Deerhound X Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's
true to the end
Great Pyrenees X Dachshund = Pyradachs, a
puzzling breed
Great Pyrenees x Jack Russell Terrier =
Pyrajacks, don't bet on 'em
Harrier x Pit Bull = Hairy Pits, found
throughout Europe
Highland Terrier x Jack Russell Terrier =
Hijack, gets you in trouble on airplanes
Irish Water Spaniel X English Springer Spaniel
= Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Jack Russell Terrier x Labrador = Jackdor,
falls out windows trying to fly
Keeshond X Setter = Keester, you can't get
this dog off its duff
Kerry Blue Terrier X Skye Terrier = Blue Skye,
a dog for visionaries
Kerry Blue Terrier X Bloodhound = Blueblood, a
favorite with the upper crust in Society
Labrador Retriever X Curly Coated Retriever =
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Malamute X Pointer = Moot Point, owned
by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
Newfoundland X Basset Hound = Newfound Asset
Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Pekingese X Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract
dog
Pekingese X Dachshund = Peking Dach, owned by
Chinese restranteurs
Pekinese x Rottweiler = Parrot, repeats
everything you say
Pointer X Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional
Christmas pet
Poodle X Great Pyrenees = Poopyree, a dog that
smells good
Pyrenees x Akita = Pyrakita, a small
brightly-colored South American dog that can be finger-trained, as well as
trained to talk
Saluki x Shitzu = Suzuki, goes for miles on a
gallon of gas
Scotch Terrier x Water Spaniel = Scotch &
Water, served throughout England
Smooth Fox Terrier X Chow Chow = Smooch, a dog
who loves to kiss
Spaniel x Dachshund = Spandachs, in gyms
everywhere
Spitz X Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow, a dog that
throws up a lot
Terrier X Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that
makes awful mistakes
Wiener Dog x Rottweiler = Bratweiler, a German
dog found at the snack bars at sporting events
Some non-animal jokes from Bill
An elderly couple had just learned how to send
text messages on their new mobile phones.
The wife was a romantic type, and a retired
English teacher of the classics.
The husband, a retired Navy Chief, was more of
a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a
friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and
she wrote:
"If you are sleeping, send me your
dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a
bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your
tears. I love you."
The husband texted back to her: "On the
toilet. Please advise."
=======================
Woody and Pat live in Belfast and are very
good friends. Both are "devoted" Anglicans.
Woody goes to his friend Pat and says:
-"I'm sleeping with the Pastor's wife. Can you hold him in church for an
hour after services for me?"
Pat doesn't like it but, being Woody's
long-time friend, he agrees.
After service, he starts talking to the
Pastor, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him
occupied. Finally, the Pastor gets annoyed and asks Pat what he's really
up to.
Pat, feeling guilty, finally confesses
to the Pastor: -"My friend Woody is sleeping with your wife right now, so
he asked me to keep you occupied."
The Pastor smiles, puts a brotherly hand
on Pat's shoulder and says: -"You better hurry home! My wife passed
away two years ago..."
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