Same Old JOW #873

Old people are a constant source of good jokes; even better than the battle of the sexes.  It is comforting to note that our older citizens are in good humor and in such numbers as to provide a good pool of jokes.  Here are a few more examples:

Think Old and you will be old.

Think Young and you will be a delusional old fart.

But the general idea is to die young as late as possible.

Questions and Answers from Canadian Association of Retired People Forum
Q:Where can single men over the age of 70 find younger women who are interested in them?	A:Try a bookstore, under Fiction.
Q:What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?	A:Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done, you will have a place to live.
Q:Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible... Is that true? Where can it be found?	A:Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt..."
Q:How can you increase the heart rate of your over-60 year-old husband?	A:Tell him you're pregnant.
Q:How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?	A:Take off your glasses.
Q:Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?	A:Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
Q:Why should 70-plus year old people use valet parking?	A:Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q:Is it common for 70-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?	A:Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.
Q:As people age, do they sleep more soundly?	A:Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q:Where should 70-plus year olds look for eye glasses?	A:On their foreheads.

An old geezer (let’s call him Joel) became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.

He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."

 Doctor "Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. 

So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

 Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. 

Can you please help me??"

 Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in

Dr. Young's mouth."

 Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"

 Dr. Geezer:
"Congratulations! You've got your taste back.
That will be $500.

 Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to
recover his money.

 Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

 Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

 Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"

 Dr. Geezer:
"Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be 500."

 Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after
several more days.

 Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!!!!"

 Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so,

 "Here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)

 Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Pessimists and Optimists,

While you guys were arguing about whether the glass of water was half full or half empty, I drank it.

Sincerely,

The Opportunist

^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A tip from a second hand vegetarian (cows eat grass, he eats cows)

‘If you stir coconut oil into your kale it makes it easier to scrape into the trash.’

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Finally, Bill reminded me of this bureaucratic exchange, only surpassed by the Beaver Dam permit one:

Part of rebuilding New Orleans caused residents often to be challenged with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of years. With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through generations of family, sometimes making it quite difficult to establish ownership. 

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply: 

(Actual reply from FHA): 

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin." 

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:   (Actual response):

"Your letter regarding title in Case No.189156 has been received. I note you wish to have title extended further than the 206 years covered by the present application. I was  unaware any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property  area, would not know Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain.  The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Queen Isabella. The good Queen Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume God also made the part of the world called Louisiana.   God; therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it, and the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory.  Now, may we have our loan?"

The loan was immediately approved.