Weighty JOW #872

I have discovered that I have regained some of the weight that I laboriously lost.  Dang.  Losing weight is like holding a beach ball underwater; it always wants to come up.  At least it gave me some ideas for a JOW.  Here are a couple of ‘weighty’ jokes for your amusement.

From Bill

I have just discovered this important information below. Please share with all your friends. 

I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner!!!!! 

It's the shampoo I use in the shower!
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body. 

Printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning, "FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY." 

No wonder I have been gaining weight!!!
Well, I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dish Washing Liquid instead.  Its label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE." 

Problem solved! 

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I just wish I could donate fat instead of blood. 

If weight is a number, then mine is unlisted.

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If you need to break up with somebody, the best place to do so is McDonalds. There are no plates or glasses to be broken over your head, no sharp knives or spiky forks, plus you can always hide behind a fat kid.

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A fat lady (To a health expert): "Give me some advice to help me lose weight."

Health expert: "Okay. You must move your head vigorously right and left at a particular time."

Fat lady: "At which particular time?"

Health expert: "Whenever anybody asks you if you want something to eat."

Then there are the ‘yo mama’ jokes.  Usually not my favorites, but here are a few I know.

Yo momma so fat it took Nationwide 3 years to get on her side

Yo momma so fat when she goes camping the bears hide their food

Yo momma is so fat… That she broke a branch in her family tree!

Yo momma so fat even Dora can’ explore her.

Yo momma so fat they give her the menu and she says ‘okay’

Yo' momma so fat, her scale reads "Game Over."

Yo' momma so fat, her scale reads "to infinity and beyond."

Yo momma so fat when she steps on a scale it says TO BE CONTINUED...

Some good whiskey advice

·         Never delay kissing a pretty girl or opening a bottle of good whiskey – Earnest Hemmingway

·         Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the steak – Johnny Carson

·         If I cannot drink bourbon and smoke cigars in heaven, I will not go. – Mark Twain

·         Too much of anything is bad, but too much good whiskey is barely enough. – Mark Twain

·         I always carry a flask of whiskey in case of snakebite.  Furthermore I always carry a small snake. - W.C. Fields

·         Whiskey has killed more men than bullets, but most men would rather be full of whiskey than full of bullets.  -Winston Churchill

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A man goes to get his paycheck and when he opens it he discovers that his employer has overpaid him by $2000.
He decides not to tell anybody and keeps quiet.
At the end of the following month when he opens the paycheck, he sees that he's been underpaid by $2000.
Fuming, he goes to have it out with his employer. "Sir, I think you've made a mistake on my paycheck."
"And how do you figure that?" his employer asks.
"It seems I've been underpaid by $2000."
"So?"
"No disrespect Sir, but I want my money."
"Last month I overpaid you by $2000 and you didn't complain so why now?"
"Well Sir, thing is I don't mind if you make a mistake once but if it becomes a habit I have to say something."

From David

When Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, there was a professor, whose last name was Peters, who felt animosity toward Gandhi, and because Gandhi never conceded to him in any disagreement, their "arguments" were very common.
One day, Dr. Peters was having lunch at the dining room of the University and Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to him. The professor, in his arrogance, said, "Mr Gandhi: you do not understand... a pig and a bird do not sit together to eat," to which Gandhi replied, "You do not worry professor, I'll fly away," and he went and sat at another table.
Dr. Peters, enraged, decided to take revenge on Gandhi on the next test, but Gandhi responded brilliantly to all questions. Then, Mr. Peters asked him the following question, "Mr Gandhi, if you are walking down the street and find a package, and within it there is a bag of wisdom and another bag with a lot of money; which one will you take?"
Without hesitating, Gandhi responded, "the one with the money, of course."
Dr.  Peters, smiling, said, "I, in your place, would have taken the wisdom, don't you think?"
"Each one takes what one doesn't have", responded Gandhi indifferently.
Dr.  Peters once wrote on the exam sheet the word "idiot" and gave it to Gandhi.  Gandhi went to the professor and said, "Dr.  Peters, you signed the sheet but you did not give me the grade."