Artificially Intelligent JOW #874

I have been struggling with my Android phone lately.  I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone.  That got me thinking about technology in general and computers in specific.  Some of my jokes go down that path.  I hope you enjoy them.

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Before Google, there were librarians. Here are some queries posed to the poor, suffering staff of public libraries:

• A woman wanted “inspirational material on grass and lawns.”

• “Who built the English Channel?”

• “Is there a full moon every night in Acapulco?”

• “Can you recommend music suitable for a doll wedding to take place between a Shirley Temple doll and a teddy bear.”

• “Can the New York Public Library recommend a good forger?”

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When you think about it Instagram is just Twitter for people who go outside

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A husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password.

“Start with a capital S, then 123,” she shouted back.

He tried S123 several times, but it didn’t work.”

So he called his wife in. As she input the password, she muttered, “I really don’t know what’s so difficult about typing Start123.”

Zen for the Internet Age

• If an anonymous comment goes unread, is it still irritating?

• What is the sound of no hands texting?

• If nobody likes your selfie, what is the value of the self?

• To see a man’s true face, look to the photos he hasn’t posted.

I heard this story from a developer:

I tried to explain to a client why I couldn’t help him with a project that was written in a program code that I didn’t know.

“Let’s say you’re asking me to write something in a specific language. Now, I’m fluent in English and Spanish, but your project is in Chinese. Since I don’t understand Chinese, I’m not your best option. You need someone who is fluent in this specific language. See?”

He said he did and thanked me.

The next morning, I got a call from another developer asking, “Why is 
So-and-So asking us if we’re fluent 
in Chinese?”

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I was visiting my daughter when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century" she said. "We don't waste money on Newspapers. Here… use my iPad."
I can tell you this….. That friggin fly never knew what hit him.

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A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish,  unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.  'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'  'Pencil', however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be feminine ('la computadora'), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2 The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should

be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

That one got me thinking about the respective advantages of being a man or a woman.  Here are some thoughts from a woman’s perspective:

Advantages of being a man

1. Chocolate is just another snack.
2. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
3. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
4. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
5. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
6. New shoes don't cut, blister or mangle your feet.
7. One mood, ALL the damn time.
8. No maxi-pads.
9. You can do your nails with a pocketknife.
10. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

Advantages of being a woman

1. We don't need a title to be in charge of everything.
2. We smell better. No matter what.
3. No matter how long it takes to get ready, guys will always wait for us.
4. We don't consider urination to be a competitive sport.
5. Our friends don't pick on us if we aren't sleeping with anyone.
6. Our idea of a good movie doesn't need "Debbie does..." in the title.
7. Multiple O's.
8. We always have food in the fridge.
9. We know stuff about everyone.
10. We get to shop at Victoria's Secret.

For my non-exercising friends:

I didn't make it to the gym today.  That makes five years in a row.

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I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”.  I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Finally, Dick passed on a press release from Nigeria. 

A Nigerian recently died.  Police discovered four billion dollars in his apartment.  He had been trying to give it away for 15 years, but nobody would take it.