Independence Day JOW #891

We are back in The Woodlands again just in time for the Fourth of July celebrations.  There was a parade this morning and there will be fireworks this evening with a feast of barbeque, potato salad, corn, and such like traditional eats in between.  Nothing says ‘Let’s celebrate America’ like drinking beer and playing with explosives. 

On a separate note, I have posted the write ups of my adventures on a new blog.  The pictures are bigger and better.  You can sample some of my little writings by going to https://tomstravelogues.blog/

I will be adding additional adventures as I get time.

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Joe: My brother swallowed a box of firecrackers.
Moe: Is he all right now?
Joe: I don’t know. I haven’t heard the last report.

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What kind of tea did the American colonists want? Liberty.
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A Tom Swift joke - “Don’t light those fireworks!” Tom exploded.

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A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at The Woodlands’ annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.

'This baked ham is really delicious,' the priest teased the rabbi. 'You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden. You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?'

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, 'At your wedding.'

Here are a few more dad jokes:

Johnathan asked his young son, 'Greg, do you think I’m a bad father?'
'My name is Andrew,' replied his son.

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Driving by a cemetery, a dad said in a dead serious, quiet voice to his kids,” I know something about that place.  The people living in this town aren’t allowed to be buried here.”

“Why, Dad?”

“Because they’re still alive.”

^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A father brought his son along to buy a fake Christmas tree. 

“Are you going to put it up yourself?” asked the salesman.

“Don’t be disgusting,” replied the dad, “I’m going to put it in the living room.”

And a mom joke

Toddler: Can I wear the princess crown now, Mommy?

Mom: Not now sweetheart, you have to share with others.

Dad: Come on, honey, you’re 35 years old.  Take it off and let her wear the crown.

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My wife must be Wonder Woman.  She goes around saying, I wonder where I put my phone, I wonder where I left my glasses….

Some random short jokes:

·         A magician from Spain told his audience he would disappear on the count of three. "Uno...", he said, building suspense "Dos..." he continued POOF! He disappeared without a tres....

·         I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

·         I went bob sleighing the other day - killed 50 bobs.

·         I don’t need a personal trainer as much as a person to follow me around and slap unhealthy foods out of my hand.

·         I am grateful I did my youthful blunders before there was YouTube.  Of course, I still do stupid things, only more slowly.

·         I think people my age are much older than I am.

·         As I have gotten older I have learned it is impossible to please everyone, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

Riddles

How many opticians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Is it one or two? One... or two?

How do you get two whales in a car?

Start in southern England and drive west.  You’ll get there.  (Sort of an oral joke)

Why did the old man fall in the well?

Because he couldn't see that well.

Here is an English joke from Chuck

His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"

"Go ahead, Carson," said His Lordship.

In The Times I found a word the exact meaning of which I am not too certain."

"What word is that?" asked His Lordship.

"Aplomb," My Lord.

"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."

 "Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused about it."

 "Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"

 "I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."

"Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"

"I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs.

"While Will was plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."

"I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."

"That evening the hole the rose made in his thumb was very sore. Kate had to cut his venison for him, even though it was extremely tender."

"Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."

"And do you remember the next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Will in a loud voice, 'Darling, does your prick still throb?' And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee?  That, Carson, is complete composure, or aplomb.”

Finally, a joke from the Revolutionary War

Back during our struggle for independence, about a third of the people fought for freedom, a third supported the crown, and a third were ambivalent.  The patriots went to great lengths to discover the so-called Tories who would betray them to the King’s soldiers.  One inventive man trained chickens to detect British sympathizers for capture.  This was the origin of Chicken Catch a Tory.