contemplational JOW #888

I was thinking about the religious roots of what is now a very secular holiday – Halloween.  That got me into a contemplation of philosophy.  I still remember Plato’s famous ‘allegory of the cave’ so when I came across a Plato joke I had to put it in.  That got my joke pump primed.

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Plato and a platypus walk into a bar.

The bartender gives them a look.

Plato shrugs, “What can I say.  She looked better in the cave.”

*******************

A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandson at the beach when suddenly a huge wave swept him out to sea.  The grandmother fell to her knees and began to pray.  “Please God, save my only grandson.  I beg you, bring him back.”

Another huge wave promptly deposited the boy, unharmed, next to his grandmother.

She looks skyward and says, “He had a hat.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what
causes arthritis?'
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'
The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned,' and returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'
MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

Some bits from Dick:

I handed the teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00
I said "May I have large bills, please"
She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.' 

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with a coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

Here is a variation on the traveling salesman jokes that have faded from fashion, both for content and context.  I mean, how many traveling salesmen are there now?

A traveling salesman was traveling in a remote area when his car broke down.  He hiked several miles to a farmhouse and knocked on the door.  The farmer said that there would be no one to come help the man until the next morning.  “I have a new young wife,” said the farmer, “and I a beautiful teenage daughter. But my wife is visiting her mother and my daughter is off at college, so I have plenty of room to put you up.”

Hearing that the salesman turned and began walking up the long driveway back to the road.

“Didn’t you hear me?” called out the farmer.

“Yeah.  But I think I am in the wrong joke.”

And finally:

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting hammered.
A man came in and asked the farmer, 'Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?'
The farmer shook his head and replied, 'Some things you just can't explain.'
'So what happened that's so horrible?' the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
'Well,' the farmer said, 'today I was sitting by my cow, milking her.
Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket.'
'Okay,' said the man, 'but that's not so bad. So what happened then?' the man asked.

The farmer said, 'I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.'
'And then?' 'Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her.
Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.'
Man laughed and said, 'Again? So, what did you do then?' the man asked.

'I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.'
'And then?' 'Well, I sat back down and began milking her again.
Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.'
'Hmmm . . . ' the man said and nodded his head. 'Some things you just can't explain,' the farmer said.
'So, what did you do?' the man asked.
'Well,' the farmer said, 'I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter.
In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in . . . Some things you just can't explain.'