Old Year Drinking JOW #897

This a time when you are supposed to set goals and resolutions for the coming year.  I'm actually feeling pretty okay about not accomplishing anything at all this year.   
I’m sure there have been times in 2017, when I have annoyed you, disturbed you, and just generally irritated you....I probably will continue to do that in 2018, too.   In that spirit here are some jokes and observations about New Year’s, alcohol, and getting older.

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On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

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·         Youth is When You're Allowed to Stay Up For New Year’s Middle age is when you're forced to. 

·         What's a Digital Camera's New Year’s Resolution? 1080p

·         I just heard that in 2018 there will be a new device that can turn thoughts into speech. I have had that for years, it's called alcohol.

A Senator in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whisky.

'If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it.  But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it.  This is my position, and I will not compromise.'

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The average age of people living a military retirement community is 85. Recently, a neighbor turned 100, and a big birthday party was thrown. Even the old man’s son turned up.

“How old is your son?” a tenant asked.

“He’s 79 years old,” he answered.

The tenant shook her head. “They sure grow up fast, don’t they?”

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When an old soldier came to the clinic for an MRI, he was put into the machine by an attractive, young technician.  When the examination was over, he was helped out of the machine by a far older woman. The soldier remarked, “How long was I in there?”

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After trick-or-treating, a teen took a shortcut home through the cemetery. Halfway across, he was startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spotted an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.

“I thought you were a ghost,” says the relieved teen. “What are you doing working so late?”

“Oh, those idiots,” grumbles the old man. “They misspelled my name!”

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“What’s a hipster?” asked the seven-year-old.

“Someone who will wear something just to look different,” her mother explained. “They’ll often buy clothes in thrift shops and wear thick glasses.”

“Is Grandma a hipster?” he asked.

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Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.

“Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.”

“But Larry’s still alive.”

“I know, but his hair is gone.”

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While the old couple were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. “You’ll have a beautiful view of the pond,” he assured them.

The old man wasn’t sold: “Unless you’re including a periscope with my casket, I don’t know how I’m going to enjoy it.”
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A woman of a certain age walked into a bar; the bartender asks for ID.

“You’ve got to be kidding,” she said. “I’m almost 40 years old.”

The bartender apologized. The lady showed her ID, and had a drink.  When she paid she told the bartender to keep the change. “The tip’s for carding me,” she said.

The bartender put the change in the tip cup. “Thanks,” he said. “Works every time.”

Bill sent me a couple more that I will share.

The king wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours.  The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.

 So the king and the queen went fishing.  On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting.

 The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace!  In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm."

 The king replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard.  He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages.  He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."

So the king continued on his way. However, in a short time a torrential rain fell from the sky.  The King and Queen were totally soaked.

 Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the meteorologist.  Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.

 The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting.  I obtain my information from my donkey.  If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."

 So the king hired the donkey.

 And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government. The practice is unbroken to this date.

And finally

I have this fine old bull, but lately he is not doing his share – some of my cows did not have calves this year.
Anyhow, I had the vet come and have a look at him.
He said the bull was still healthy enough, and he gave me some pills to feed him every day.
The bull started to service the cows again within two days - all of them!  He was bouncing around the field like a youngster.
I don't know what was in the pills the vet gave him. But they kind of taste like peppermint.