A visit by my youngest son and his family got me thinking about families
in general. My jokes this week are
primarily Dad jokes. As my poor children
will attest, I just love Dad jokes. Dad
jokes are in and of themselves an art form. The first step is that they have to
be bad. They can’t be too crass or “adult.” They have to also be the sort of
thing that you should’ve seen coming, but somehow didn’t. And they’re all a
little embarrassing to laugh at.
Properly used, Dad jokes can be a useful tool in embarrassing and
annoying your kids. Here are a few from
my extensive repertoire.
===============
Whenever
the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag
he replies, 'No, just leave it in the carton!
Whenever
we drive past a graveyard my dad says, 'Do you know why I can’t be buried
there?' And we all say, 'Why not?' And he says, 'Because I’m not dead yet!
On all of
my medical forms growing up my dad wrote 'red' for my blood type.
"Me:
'Dad, make me a sandwich!' Dad: 'Poof, You’re a sandwich!'”
I have inflicted many of these on my poor kids.
“Dad, I’m hungry.”
“Hello Hungry, I’m Dad.”
'Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers?
They say he made a mint.'
Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all
cut.
Why do
chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be
chicken sedans!
Why did
the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse!
Two
peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
I used to
have a job at a calendar factory but I got fired because I took a couple of
days off.
A woman is
on trial for smashing her husband’s guitar collection. Judge says, 'First
offender?' She says, 'No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!
5/4 of
people admit that they’re bad with fractions.
'Did you
hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name
Fed-Up from now on.'
What's
Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1
I gave all my dead batteries away, free of
charge.
The Energizer Bunny just got arrested. He was charged with battery.
When you have a bladder infections urine
trouble.
There’s a new type of broom; it’s sweeping the
nation.
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road? No guts.
A skeleton walked into a bar looked into his
empty rib cage and told the bartender. “Get
me a beer… and a mop.”
Switzerland is a nice country and the flag is
a big plus.
What
do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
What
do you call a cheese that is by itself?
Provolone
What
do you call a cheese that doesn’t belong to you? Nacho Cheese.
How
many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
Want
to hear a joke about paper? Never mind it's tearable.
What
do you call a person with no body left except a nose? Nobody knows
What's brown and sticky? A stick
Why can’t your hear a pterodactyl go to the
bathroom? Because the P is silent.
Do they now call prison mug shots ‘cellfies’?
What did the detective molecule say to the
suspect molecule? “I’ve got my ion you.”
I asked my
dad for his best dad joke and he said, 'You.'
Pat sent me this physics joke
In the general relativistic sense, we find
that the dynamic friction of the tensor light cone is actually negative, creating
a local convergence of photons, which cause the stars at night to be big and
bright… especially deep in the heart of Texas.
And finally from a wise
old friend
After being married for 50
years, the old man took a careful look at his wife one day and said,
"Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and
watched a 12-inch black and white TV; but I got to sleep every night with a hot
23-year-old girl. Now ... I have a big home, a fancy car, a nice big bed and a
large screen TV; but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that
you're not holding up your side of things."
His wife was a very
reasonable woman... She told him to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl, and
she would make sure that he would once again be living in a cheap house,
driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 12-inch black and
white TV
Aren't older women great?
They really know how to solve an old guy's problems!
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