Semi-coherent JOW #899

I really don’t have a coherent theme for this week’s set of jokes.  Of course, most of them are scarcely coherent in the first place.  There are a few leftovers and repeats along with a dog bit.

We got a new dog, an adorable Labradoodle puppy called Honor.  We have had dogs for 25 years now, and you sort of get used to having them around.  I do welcome the genuine love and enthusiastic support they give me but it can get tiring.  Example:

Dog: WAT YA DOING?

Me: Nothing.  I just stood up

Dog: WHERE GO?  CAN I COME?

Me: I am just getting a drink of water.

Dog: CAN I COME?

Me: Sure but I am just going into the kitchen and coming right back.

Dog: I COME TOO!  WAT YA DOING?

Me: I need to open the door.

Dog: I HELP!

Me: You are in front of the door.  Move, please

Dog: I HELP!

Me: sigh.

Dog: WHERE GOING?

Me: I am going to sit right back down where I was sitting a few seconds ago.

Dog: CAN I COME?

Me: sure.

>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

My wife asked me what I had was going to do today.

“Nothing”, I told her.

“You did that yesterday.”
“I wasn’t finished.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Physicists have discovered along with ‘Matter’, ‘Dark Matter’, and ‘Antimatter’ the existence of ‘Doesn’t Matter’ which apparently has no effect on the universe whatsoever.

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A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

 The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf."

I had some inputs after my Men versus Women JOW.

Do you know why a woman’s work is never done?  They don’t get up early enough.

Differences between men and women.

    While eating out and the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20 even though the bill is only $22.50. None will have anything smaller, and none will admit they want change back. When girls get the bill, out come the calculators.
      With money a man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 dollar item she doesn't want.
       In a bathroom a man has 5 items. A toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from Holiday Inn. A women has on average 337 items in her bathroom. A man would not be able to identify most of these Items.
      In arguments a woman has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
       Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking men kick cats.
       A women worries about the future until she gets a husband. A husband doesn't worry about the future until he gets a wife.
       A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, and read a book. A man will get dressed up for weddings and funerals.
       A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful women is one who can find such a man.

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A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed a beautiful young lady.  Being a smooth operator he drifted over and chatted her up.  "Hello there and what is your name?"

"Hello," replied woman, "I'm Stacey. What's yours?"

"I'm Pat."

The two share some drinks and are get along famously with each other.   

Finally Stacey turns and says, "Pat, do you want to come over to my house tonight?"

“Sure!" replies Pat, who is confident in his skill with picking up beautiful women. "Let's go!"

At Stacey’s house, Jim notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk and asks, "Is this your brother?"

"No, it isn't, Pat!" Stacey giggles.

"Then, it must be your boyfriend!" Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. 

She says,"No, silly!"

"Then, who is it?"

Stacey replies, "That's me before my operation!"

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Three men all showed up together at the gates of heaven.  St. Peter asked them to tell him how they came to die.

The first man, a big burly fellow, started.  “Well, St. Peter you see, I figured that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in bed. I got home and, and sure enough, my wife was in bed and I had obviously interrupted them, but her lover had hidden himself.  I searched all over but I couldn’t find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer hit him with it until he fell. Well, the fall didn’t kill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the stress gave me a heart attack, and here I am.”

The next guy came up and started his story. “St Peter, I always work out on my balcony on the 9th floor of my apartment building. Today I slipped and I sailed over the rail but I caught myself on the balcony below me. I was glad when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But I landed in a big bush that broke my fall. But then the guy threw his refrigerator on top of me.”

It was now the third guy’s turn.

“I was in the refrigerator.”