Advanced English JOW #902

I have an English words theme this week.  (I should have made it on frustration, after trying to put on my shoes and socks in the presence of an adorable puppy who thinks foot gear make the best play toys ever.  Watch for the posted video.

English has more words than any other language, though no one is quite sure how many words it has.  Do you count tenses as different words? What about gerunds? And to plurals make a new word?  Then there are the problems with words that are spelled the same but have different meanings. 

Here are a few (I hope) humorous examples:

The bandage was wound around the wound.

The farm was used to produce produce.

The dump was so fall that it had to refuse more refuse.

He could lead if he could get the lead out.

We must polish the Polish furniture.

The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

The dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

They were too close to the doors to close it.

A buck does funny things when the does are in season.

A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

I had to subject the subject to more tests.

            English can be challenging.

Remember, there is no egg in eggplant, no ham in hamburger, and neither apples nor pine in a pineapple.  Guinea pigs are neither from Guinea nor are they pigs. 

And why don’t grocers, groce?  Or hammers ham? 

Plurals in English can drive you crazy, too.

One mouse – two mice.  One goose – two geese. So one moose – two meese?

One chair – two chairs.  One hair – so is a head of hair one really big one?

I can make amends but not one amend. 

Tenses can make me tense. 

For example, if teachers taught why don’t preachers 'prought'?

Why do we ship by truck and send cargo by ship?  Why do our noses run and feet smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same thing while a wise guy and a wise man are opposites?  Why are the stars out when they are visible but when the lights are out it is dark?

How does your house burn up as it is burning down?  Why do you fill out a form by filling it in? And alarms go off when they go on.

And as for pronunciation, here is part of an old poem.  Try and speak it aloud if you dare.

Be careful how you speak

Say bread and stake and bleak and streak;

Cloven, oven, how and low;

Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery,

Typhoid, measles, topsails, and aisles,

Exiles, similes, and reviles;

Scholar, vicar, and cigar,

Solar, mica, war, and far.

Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;

Gertrude, German, wind and mind.

Billet does not rhyme with ballet,

Blood and flood are not like food.

Try viscous, viscount, load and broad,

Toward, to forward, to reward.

Your pronunciation is okay,

When you correctly say croquet,

Rounded, wounded, grieve, and sieve.

Clamor and enamor both rhyme with hammer.

Stranger does not rhyme with anger.

Neither does devour with clangor.

It’s all very confusing.

Mary Ellen sent us some old words that I think should make a comeback:

Fudgel – Pretending to work while actually doing nothing

Groke – Someone who stares at you while you eat, hoping you’ll share

Shivviness - The uncomfortable feeling of wearing new underwear

Peg Puff – A young woman with the manners of an old one

Dysania – Extreme difficulty getting out of bed in the morning

Perendinate – To put off until the day after tomorrow.

Kikistocracy – Government by the least qualified or worse people

Uhtceare – Lying awake and worrying about the day ahead.

Abligurition – Spending lavish amounts of money on food

Slugabed – A person who stays in bed after the proper time to get up. (My mom used this one.)

Grufeling – to lie wrapped up and in a comfortable manner

Philogrobilized – Having a hangover but without admitting to drinking

Grumbletonians – People who are angry or unhappy with the government

Smollygoster – A shrewd, unprincipled person, especially a politician

Twattling – Gossiping idly about unimportant things.

Ultracrepidarian – Someone who gives opinions on subjects they know nothing about.

Callipygian – Having beautiful, well-shaped buttocks

Frobly-mobly   - Neither well nor unwell

Cacoethes – Irresistible urge to do something inadvisable

And here is an actual joke – sort of:

Freddy Fish and Sam Clam were the best of friends, and did everything together. One day, though, both perished in a freak mishap. Freddy Fish went to heaven, and immediately looked around for his best friend. Not finding him, he asked St. Peter where Sam was.

"Sorry, he didn't make it in."

"You mean he's down there?" asked Freddy.

"Yes."

"Well, I want to go see him!"

"This is highly unorthodox," said St. Peter. "I'll ask the big guy."

Moments later St. Peter returned and said:

"You can go, but you can only stay for one hour."

"Great!" said Freddy, and grabbed his harp before anyone changed their minds. He went to the elevator, and went down.

When the elevator doors opened, Freddy saw a huge sign:

SAM'S DISCOTHEQUE

He went in, and discovered that it was run by his old friend. They sat down and reminisced about old times, and had a few drinks. Time flew by, and when Freddy noticed his watch, he saw that he had fifteen seconds left to return. He jumped out of his chair, yelled a goodbye to Sam Clam, and raced to the elevator.

The elevator doors opened in heaven with only one second to spare. St. Peter was standing there with a stopwatch.

"You just barely made it," said St. Peter.

"I know," panted Freddy, out of breath. "But I have to go back there!"

"What do you mean!?!" asked an incredulous St. Peter.

So Freddy Fish burst into song:

"I left my harp in Sam Clam's Disco!"

Finally, just as I was going to press:

Elon Musk is going to launch his personal car into an orbit around the sun with great fanfare.

My wife sniffed – “I already have a car that is in orbit around the sun.”