Horsing Around JOW #1326

 The Kentucky Derby was held last Saturday.  Did you watch the Kentucky Derby? Yay or neigh?  That event got me thinking about horse racing and horses in general, so my jokes this week are about our equine friends. 

 

In medieval times, people used to attach a lamp to a horse when riding at night.

This is the earliest known form of saddle light navigation.

 

What do you call a horse with the horn? A unicorn.

What do you call a horse without the horn? A eunuchorn.

I think ‘Horseback Riding’ should just be called ‘Horse Riding' because where else would you sit?

 

If horse racing is the "sport of kings” is drag racing the sport of queens?

 

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin

And giraffes were born

 

According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.

This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.

 

To ride a horse or not to ride a horse...

That is equestrian.

 

Don't order hay for your horse off Amazon.

After a couple of days, they'll ask for your feed back.

 

My farmer friend told me that horse manure is excellent for strawberries.

I said, “You may be right, but I still prefer whipped cream.”

Have you heard the sad story about the runaway racehorse? It’s a terrible tale of WHOA!

 

Did you hear what happened at the racetrack yesterday? One horse was so slow, they had to pay the jockey overtime.

 

I bet on a horse to come in 25 to 1, and it did! The only problem is that all the other horses finished at 12:30.

 

I bet on a horse with excellent breeding. After the horse left the starting gate, he paused to close it behind him.

 

Q: You're riding on a horse at high-speed chasing a zebra. To your right is a sheer drop-off. Two feet to your left is a grizzly bear. Right on the heels of your horse is an angry lion. What do you do?

A: Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!

 

A horse walks into a bar…

The bartender says, "Why the long f--" when suddenly the horse cuts him off.
"I've heard that a million times. 'Why the long face, ha-ha!' I hear that everywhere I go."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," says the bartender. "Other than that, how's your life?"
The horse responds with, "Stable."

 

A horse walked into a bar.

The bartender looked at the horse and said: "Hey buddy, why the long face?"
Later, a bear walked into the bar and said: "I'll have a ... beer." The bartender looked at the bear and asked: "Why the big pause?"
Soon, three anteaters came in and requested a bowl of ants to share. The bartender looked at the anteaters and said: "I'm going to stop doing LSD before work."

 

My wife and I got married on the same day as the Kentucky Derby. I remember it because I was considering betting my life’s savings on this one Filly.
I also considered putting money on the derby.

 

Billy: "How do you like your new mare?"

Jack: "It’s weird.  She gallops only at night. She just snoozes in the daytime."

Bill: "She sounds like a night mare."

 

Why did the owner name his racehorse ‘Bad News’? Because bad news travels fast

 

Racehorses famously have odd names.  Not all are approved.  Here are some

horse names banned by the British Horse Racing Authority

Chit Hot
Chocolate Starfish
Choke the Chicken
Harry Azzol
Hugh Gass Kisser
Hugh Janus
Ima Hoare
Ima Goodlay
Ivanna Tinkle
Major B Oner
Willie Be Hardigan
Jack Schitt
Anita Bath
Anna Reksik
Annie Position
Annie Rection
Ben Derhover
Passing Wind
Hoof Hearted
Geespot
Sofa King Fast
Cockney Wanker
Cupid Stunt
Dick Cumoff
Dick Fizintite
Dick Hertz
Harry Balzitch
Hucking Fell
Pee Ness

My wife and kids are leaving me because they say I’m obsessed with Horse Racing.

I'm looking out the window at them now........... and they're off.....

 

Little Johnny attends a horse auction with his dad.

He watches as his father moves from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes Little Johnny asks, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father says, "I have to make sure that she's healthy and in good shape before I buy her."
And Little Johnny says, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy mom."

 

And finally, the typical off-topic joke to end this:

At the end of the tax year, the Taxation Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the agent was checking the books, he turned to the executive of the hospital and said, “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there’s too little left to be of any use?”
“Good question,” noted the executive. “We save them up and send them back to the bandage company, and every once in a while, they send us a free roll.”
“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way. ”What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what’s left over after setting a cast on a patient?”
“Ah, yes,” replied the executive, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. “We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they send us a free bag of plaster.”
“I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all executive. “Well, what do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?”
“Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the executive. “What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick.”