Monday, February 12, 2018

Patchwork JOW #903




A lot of you seemed to enjoy my word-play related JOW last week.  I got several excellent replies and inputs for this week.  It is not surprising that you tend to enjoy somewhat intellectual humor.  After all, JOW recipients are all above average in intelligence.  And you are all good-looking, too. 
So this JOW is a patchwork of fodder (thank you very much) and various other bits.  Enjoy.

Richard supplied this one:
When the great English man of letters, Samuel Johnson, had completed what was then the first dictionary of the English language he was visited by a delegation of women.  They said, “We commend you for not including any bad words in the dictionary.”  He said, “I commend you for looking so hard for them.”
Pat weighed in:
One of my favorites is why do we park on the driveway and drive on the parkway?
And
A good article should be like a woman's dress... long enough to cover the subject, but short enough to be interesting. 
From Ellen:
·         Hold the door open for the clown, it is a nice jester.
·         I childproofed my home, but the kids still got in.
·         A clear conscience is a sign of a fuzzy memory.
·         My reality check bounced.
·         All who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
·         The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Here are some insults from back when people could use English as a weapon.
“He had delusions of adequacy.”
-Walter Kerr
“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”
-Winston Churchill
“I am enclosing two tickets to the opening of my new play.  Bring a friend - if you have one.”
-Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
 “Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second—if there is one.”
-Churchill in reply
“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”
-Clarence Darrow
“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I send a nice letter saying that I approved of it.”
-Mark Twain
“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book.  I’ll waste no time reading it.”
-Moses Hadas
“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”
William Faulkner – about Ernest Hemmingway
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
Ernest Hemmingway in reply to Faulkner

More on words
This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is *'UP'*. It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].
It's easy to understand *UP*, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake *UP*?
At a meeting, why does a topic come *UP*? Why do we speak *UP*, and why are the officers *UP* for election (if there is a tie, it is a toss *UP*) and why is it *UP* to the secretary to write *UP* a report? We call *UP*our friends, brighten *UP* a room, polish *UP* the silver, warm *UP* the leftovers and clean *UP* the kitchen. We lock *UP* the house and fix *UP* the old car.
At other times, this little word has real special meaning. People stir *UP* trouble, line UP for tickets, work *UP* an appetite, and think *UP* excuses.
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed *UP* is special.
And this *UP* is confusing: A drain must be opened *UP* because it is blocked *UP*.
We open *UP* a store in the morning but we close it *UP* at night. We seem to be pretty mixed *UP* about *UP*!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of *UP*, look *UP* the word *UP* in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, itc takes *UP* almost 1/4 of the page and can add *UP* to about thirty definitions.
If you are *UP* to it, you might try building *UP* a list of the many ways *UP* is used. It will take *UP* a lot of your time, but if you don't give *UP*, you may wind *UP* with ( UP* to) a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding *UP*. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing *UP*. When it rains, it soaks *UP* the earth. When it does not rain for a while, things dry *UP*. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it *UP*, for now...... my time is *UP*!
So, did this whole thing, crack you *UP*?
Send this on to everyone you look *UP* in your address book... or not... it's *UP* to you.
Now I'll shut *UP*...

Observations on growing old
·         It’s never too late to be what you want to be.  Unless you want to be younger.  Then you’re screwed.
·         One of the best things about getting older is that you now can often tell is someone is an asshole before they even speak.
·         Our aging is marked by bottles: Baby bottle, coke bottle, beer bottle, IV bottle.
·         The older I get the more I can’t believe how old I am.
·         Don’t worry about getting older; you’re still gonna do dumb stuff, only slower.
·         As you get older, you have to stay positive.  For example, I fell down the stairs.  Instead of getting upset I thought, ‘wow, that’s the fastest I’ve moved in years.’

And finally,
The only cow in a small town in Northern Italy stopped giving milk.
The town folk found they could buy a cow in Sicily quite cheap
So, they brought the cow over from Sicily It was absolutely wonderful. it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go to the local veterinarian, Dr. Santucchi, who was very wise, to tell him what was happening and to ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
The veterinarian rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Sicily?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Sicily.  "You are truly a wonderful veterinarian," they said. "How did you know that we got the cow from Sicily?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eyes:
"My wife, she is from Sicily, too."

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