So
this JOW is a patchwork of fodder (thank you very much) and various other
bits. Enjoy.
Richard supplied this one:
When
the great English man of letters, Samuel Johnson, had completed what was then
the first dictionary of the English language he was visited by a delegation of
women. They said, “We commend you for not including any bad words in the
dictionary.” He said, “I commend you for looking so hard for them.”
Pat
weighed in:
One of my favorites is why do we park on the
driveway and drive on the parkway?
And
A
good article should be like a woman's dress... long enough to cover the
subject, but short enough to be interesting.
From
Ellen:
·
Hold
the door open for the clown, it is a nice jester.
·
I
childproofed my home, but the kids still got in.
·
A
clear conscience is a sign of a fuzzy memory.
·
My
reality check bounced.
·
All
who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
·
The
early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Here are some insults from back when
people could use English as a weapon.
“He had delusions of adequacy.”
-Walter Kerr
“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of
the vices I admire.”
-Winston Churchill
“I am enclosing two tickets to the opening of
my new play. Bring a friend - if you
have one.”
-Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
“Cannot
possibly attend first night; will attend second—if there is one.”
-Churchill in reply
“I have never killed a man, but I have read
many obituaries with great pleasure.”
-Clarence Darrow
“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I send a
nice letter saying that I approved of it.”
-Mark Twain
“Thank you for sending me a copy of your
book. I’ll waste no time reading it.”
-Moses Hadas
“He has never been known to use a word that
might send a reader to the dictionary.”
William Faulkner – about Ernest Hemmingway
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big
emotions come from big words?"
Ernest Hemmingway in reply to Faulkner
More
on words
This
two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word,
and that word is *'UP'*. It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep],
[adj], [n] or [v].
It's
easy to understand *UP*, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but
when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake *UP*?
At
a meeting, why does a topic come *UP*? Why do we speak *UP*, and why are the
officers *UP* for election (if there is a tie, it is a toss *UP*) and why is it
*UP* to the secretary to write *UP* a report? We call *UP*our friends, brighten
*UP* a room, polish *UP* the silver, warm *UP* the leftovers and clean *UP* the
kitchen. We lock *UP* the house and fix *UP* the old car.
At
other times, this little word has real special meaning. People stir *UP*
trouble, line UP for tickets, work *UP* an appetite, and think *UP* excuses.
To
be dressed is one thing but to be dressed *UP* is special.
And
this *UP* is confusing: A drain must be opened *UP* because it is blocked *UP*.
We
open *UP* a store in the morning but we close it *UP* at night. We seem to be
pretty mixed *UP* about *UP*!
To
be knowledgeable about the proper uses of *UP*, look *UP* the word *UP* in the
dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, itc takes *UP* almost 1/4 of the page
and can add *UP* to about thirty definitions.
If
you are *UP* to it, you might try building *UP* a list of the many ways *UP* is
used. It will take *UP* a lot of your time, but if you don't give *UP*, you may
wind *UP* with ( UP* to) a hundred or more.
When
it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding *UP*. When the sun comes out, we
say it is clearing *UP*. When it rains, it soaks *UP* the earth. When it does not
rain for a while, things dry *UP*. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it
*UP*, for now...... my time is *UP*!
So,
did this whole thing, crack you *UP*?
Send
this on to everyone you look *UP* in your address book... or not... it's *UP*
to you.
Now
I'll shut *UP*...
Observations
on growing old
·
It’s
never too late to be what you want to be.
Unless you want to be younger.
Then you’re screwed.
·
One
of the best things about getting older is that you now can often tell is
someone is an asshole before they even speak.
·
Our
aging is marked by bottles: Baby bottle, coke bottle, beer bottle, IV bottle.
·
The
older I get the more I can’t believe how old I am.
·
Don’t
worry about getting older; you’re still gonna do dumb stuff, only slower.
·
As
you get older, you have to stay positive.
For example, I fell down the stairs.
Instead of getting upset I thought, ‘wow, that’s the fastest I’ve moved
in years.’
And finally,
The only cow in a small town in Northern Italy
stopped giving milk.
The town folk found they could buy a cow in
Sicily quite cheap
So, they brought the cow over from Sicily It
was absolutely wonderful. it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was
happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get
more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow
but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No
matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and
he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go
to the local veterinarian, Dr. Santucchi, who was very wise, to tell him what
was happening and to ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our
cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he
approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one
side, she walks away to the other side."
The veterinarian rubbed his chin thoughtfully
and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in
Sicily?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had
ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Sicily. "You are truly a wonderful
veterinarian," they said. "How did you know that we got the cow from
Sicily?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his
eyes:
"My wife, she is from Sicily, too."
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