Spartan JOW #904

While researching my first books, set in ancient Greece, I had occasion to learn more about the Spartans.  You would not imagine such a fierce and warlike people would be funny, but the Spartans were especially famous for their dry, understated wit, which is now known as ‘laconic humor’.  I am going to start with Jokes of the Weeks with some very old jokes from the Spartans.

Here are some examples:

The Spartan Dienekes was told that the Persian archers were so numerous that when they shot their volleys, their arrows would blot out the sun. He responded, “So much the better, we'll fight in the shade”

Xerxes offered to spare his men if they gave up their arms. Leonidas replied "Come and take them".  (A quote later used by Texans in their war of independence.)

Spartan women had far more freedom and influence that other Greek women.  When asked by a woman from Attica, "Why are you Spartan women the only ones who can rule men?” a Spartan woman replied, "Because we are also the only ones who give birth to men.” 

The river of Athens is the Kephisos; the river in Sparta is the Eurotas. One time, an Athenian and a Spartan were trading insults.

“We have buried many Spartans,” said the Athenian, “beside the Kephisos.”

“Yes,” replied the Spartan, “but we have buried no Athenians beside the Eurotas.”

In Sparta, the law was to keep everything simple. One ordinance decreed that you could not finish a roof beam with any tool finer than a hatchet. So all the roof beams in Sparta were basically logs.

Once a Spartan was visiting Athens and his host was showing off his own mansion, complete with finely detailed, square roof beams. The Spartan asked the Athenian if trees grew square in Athens. “No, of course not,” said the Athenian, “but round, as trees grow everywhere.”

“And if they grew square,” asked the Spartan, “would you make them round?”

Philip of Macedonia decided to start putting pressure on Sparta, and sent them the following threatening message: “If I win this war, you will be slaves forever.”

The Spartan’s sent back a single word in reply: “if”.

Philip then sent a letter to the current Spartan king, asking if he wanted him to enter his lands as a friend or a foe. The only response Philip ever received was yet another single-word reply: “Neither.”

Nearing death, a Spartan king was asked if he wanted a statue erected in his honor. He declined, saying; "If I have done anything noble, that is a sufficient memorial; if I have not, all the statues in the world will not preserve my memory.

Spartans remind me of Klingons.

How many Klingons does it take to change a light bulb?
None. There is no honor in changing a light bulb, besides, a true warrior isn't afraid of the dark.

Two combat comments

·         If you are going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s ark.  And it’s starting to rain.

·         Combat experience is something you don’t get until after you need it

Changing topics two unrelated jokes:

Mrs. Blanchett’s furnace stop working so she called a serviceman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told him, “I’ll leave the key under the doormat. Fix the furnace, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll send money to your account. Oh, by the way, don’t worry about my Doberman; he won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, do not, under any circumstances, talk to the parrot!”

When the serviceman arrives at Mrs. Blanchett’s flat the next day, he discovers the biggest and scariest Doberman he has ever seen. But just as she said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching him go about his business.

The Parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling. Finally the serviceman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up, you ugly bird!”

The parrot responded, “Get him, Apollo.”

Finally, here is an absurd duck joke.  It is actually funnier if you tell it, but since that is impractical, here it is in writing.

A duck walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender.

The bartender says, “What can I get you?”

Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes?

Bartender (looking surprised and finding the question odd): No, I’m afraid we don’t.

And the duck waddles slowly out of the bar.

The next day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, hops up on a bar stool.

Bartender: Hi. What can I get for you?

Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes?

Bartender (a little annoyed): Hey! Weren’t you in here yesterday? Look duck, we don’t have any grapes. OK?

The duck hops off the stool and waddles out the door.

The next day, at the same time, the bartender is cleaning some glasses when he hears a familiar voice.

Duck: Umm… Do you have any grapes?

The bartender is really ticked off.

Bartender: Look. What’s your problem? You came in here yesterday asking for grapes, I TOLD you, WE DON’T HAVE ANY GRAPES! Next time I see your little ducktail waddle in here I’m going to nail those little webbed feet of yours to the floor. GOT IT?

And the duck hops off the bar stool and quickly waddles out.

The next day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, walks up to the bartender and the bartender says,

“What the heck do YOU want?”

Umm. Do you have any nails?

What!? No, of course not.

Oh, good. Do you have any grapes?