It is flu season and this has been a bad
one. With flu in mind I came up with
some jokes and quotes about illness in general and the flu in specific. I do hope none of you get the flu as it is no
fun and can be very serious. Plus you have to put up with everyone asking you,
‘Why didn’t you get a flu shot, you dummy.”
Stay healthy, and I hope you will find some of these amusing.
“Being ill is one of the greatest pleasures of
life, provided one is not too ill and is not obliged to work until one is better.”
Samuel Butler
<<<<<<<<<<<<<
If you have bird flu you need tweetment
If you have swine flu you need oink-ment.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Health fact: Donuts are healthier than crystal
meth.
^^^^^^^^^^^^
Bombeck’s rule of Medicine: Never go to a
doctor whose office plants have died.
-------------------
A sick patient asked his doctor, ''Flu?''
The doctor replied, ''No, I came on my Mercedes
actually.''
````````````````````
If a doctor treats your cold, it will go away
in seven days. If you treat it yourself, it will go away in a week, if you do
nothing at all, it will last half a fortnight.
+++++++++++++++++++
“Doctor, I’m surprised to hear you say that I
am coughing very badly, because I have been practicing all night.”
I need to do another knock knock
JOW. Here is one for the flu.
Knock knock
Who’s there
Occult
Occult who?
Occult and flu season is upon us.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
A woman called her parents on the speaker
phone so she could talk to them both at the same time. When she told them her husband had the flu her
father chimed in:
“Have to tried euthanasia?”
And in the background her mother yelled, “For
the last time, it’s Echinacea!”
“”””””””””””””””””
Some men are coming down with the so-called
Man flu.
Definition
Man flu: An illness that causes males to become
sicker and more helpless than any other family member. In females it is call a ‘cold’.
A Chuck Norris Flu joke:
The flu has to get Chuck Norris vaccinations.
=======================
Two
factory workers are talking.
The
woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”
The
man replies, “And how would you do that?”
The
woman says, “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The
boss comes in and says, “What are you doing?”
The
woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.”
The
boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think
you need to take the day off.”
The
man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?”
The
man says, “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two
boys were arguing when a politician entered the room.
The
politician says, “Why are you arguing?”
One
of them answers, “We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever
tells the biggest lie.”
“You
should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the politician, “When I was your age I
didn’t even know what a lie was.”
The
boys looked at each other and handed the ten dollars to the politician.
-------------------------------------
Did you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping
next to you, and just feel glad to be alive?
I did, and apparently will not be allowed on that airline again.
****************
My wife’s female intuition is so well
developed she knows I am wrong before I even open my mouth.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
A guy had been feeling down for so long that
he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.
He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his
guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel
better.
The psychiatrist asked him a few questions,
took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled
look on his face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of
delight and said, “Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very
common among losers like you.”
-----
An eighty year old man went to a new primary
care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, she said he was doing
fairly well for his age.
A little concerned about that comment, he
couldn't resist asking her, 'Do you think I'll live to be 85?'
She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink
beer, wine or hard liquor?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs,
either!'
Then she asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and
barbecued ribs?'
'I said, 'No ... My former doctor said that
all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like
playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
No, I don't,' he said.
She asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or
have sex?'
'No,'
She looked at him and said, 'Then why do you
care?’
And finally, this pertinent quote from
an old friend.
”The reason why they call them selfies is that
they can’t spell narcissist.”
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