I intended to make my jokes this week about politics, but
the current political climate is so vituperative these days that most of the so
called jokes were just excoriations. I think things
have not been this bad since the late ‘60’s.
What is so odd is that when you look around things are actually pretty
good. The world is mostly at peace and
there is broad prosperity. Maybe that is
why we are so angry with each other. The
party on the outside has to convince everyone that things are terrible and we
need to change. Both sides hurl the
worst deprecations at the other others. This
has been going on so long we the people begin to believe both sides. Politics are so polarized today. I
showed someone a photo of my son and his baby.
Before my progressive friend would admire it she wanted to know their opinion on Donald Trump. I was
talking with a friend who had a slightly different political view on this, so I shot him. At any rate I want to offer a toast to all
the people who disagree with my politics but haven’t unfriended me… yet.
Since I have a road trip coming up I began with some
travel jokes:
````````````````````
I was driving with my friend. We come to a red light and
he speeds up and whips right through it. I start freaking out "Hey man, you’re
going to get us killed!"
He replies "Relax, my brother drives like
this." We come to another red light and he blazes right through.
"You're going to get arrested or get us killed!"
"Relax this is how my brother drives." We come
to a green light he stops dead looking both ways.
"Dude, its green you can go."
"Nah man, my brother might be coming the other
way."
<<<<<<<<<<<<
Young riders pick a destination and go... Old riders pick
a direction and go.
……………………
A man vacations on a tropical island, and the first thing
he hears are the drums. He goes to the beach and hears the drums; he eats
lunch, he hears the drums; he tries to sleep, he can’t—drums. Finally he storms
over to the manager. “I’ve had it! Can’t you stop those drums?” he begs.
“No!” says the manager. “It’s very bad if the drums
stop.”
“Why?”
“When the drums stop, the bass solo begins.”
-----------------
I understand that Canada is legalizing marijuana. Will they change the Maple Leaf on their flag
to Cannabis Leaf?
===================
The cows returned to the marijuana field. It was a case of the pot calling the cattle
back.
A couple of leftover doctor jokes:
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know,
"that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of
my life?"
'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior
lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
***********************
An older gentleman was on the operating table
awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the
operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to
speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just
remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me,
your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
##########
It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten
teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.
The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held
it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers."
"That's right!" the boy said, "But, how
did you know?"
"Oh, just a lucky guess," she said.
The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The
teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess
what it is. A box of sweets."
"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the
girl.
"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner.
The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop
off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it
wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with some excitement.
The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage.
"Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with more excitement.
The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is
it?"
With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a
puppy!" SURPRISE!
Finally, I need to slip this joke in…
Tim works at Whole Foods. He usually helps outside, but
sometimes he comes in and helps bag groceries when the lines are long at
the cash registers. Whole Foods also has a juice bar where customers can
get freshly-made vegetable and fruit juices.
Tim asked if he could help out there when the lines get too long, but was told he could not, due to company policy:
Baggers can't be juicers.
Tim asked if he could help out there when the lines get too long, but was told he could not, due to company policy:
Baggers can't be juicers.
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