Signage JOW #921

I just completed a road trip of a couple of thousand miles.  When you are on the road that much you see lots of signs. That got me thinking about signage in general and jokes about signs in particular.  There is a joke attached at the bottom, but most of the rest are just short one line signs.  Enjoy

I will start with bar signs:

Husband day care-

            Need time to relax?

            Want to go shopping?

            Need some time to yourself?

Leave your husband with us.  We will look after him.  No charge other than his drinks!

Did you know 2-4 glasses of wine can reduce your risk of giving a damn.

Free Beer!  Topless waitresses!!  False advertising!!

Soup of the day?  Beer.

No Hipsters!!!

We have had it with our hairy faces, strict vegetarian diets, tiny feet, and sawdust bedding.

No, wait…. Hamsters.  No Hamsters!!

Wanted – customers!  No previous experience needed as full training will be given.  Apply within.

Alcohol will not solve your problems.  But neither will water.

If you don’t drink, how will your friends know you love them… at 2 AM.

Buy any two drinks, and pay for them both.

Look at your woman.  Have a beer.  Now gaze at your woman.  Doesn’t she look better?

There is a bar called El Arroyo that is famous for its changing signs:

·         Can’t remember her name in the morning? Take her to Starbucks, she’ll tell the barista.

·         Willy Wonka was the original Hunger Games

·         Don’t worry password.  I’m insecure, too.

·         The days of good grammar has went.

·         How did the hipster burn his tongue?  He drank is coffee before it was cool.

·         I hate Russian dolls because they are so full of themselves.

·         I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey but I turned myself around.

·         Treat your mom to a margarita.  You are probably the reason she drinks.

·         We have beer colder than your ex’s heart

·         I’m a social vegan.  I avoid meet.

·         My favorite kind of cake is more.

·         Autocorrect is my worst enema.

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Welcome to our OOL.  Notice there is not ‘P’ in our pool.  Let’s keep it that way.

And

Sharks have been spotted in this pool.  They come out when they smell pee.

Danger: The dog has a gun.  And he refuses to take his medication.

Beware of the dog.  The cat is not trustworthy, either.

In case of fire exit the building before tweeting about it.

Anyone caught exiting through this door will be asked to leave.

At a Dairy Queen:  I scream, you scream, the police come. Awkward.

I love people who attach signs onto signs:

            This door is alarmed

            What startled it?

            This fountain turned off due to leakage.

            When will it be turned on due to fixage?

            Road closed

            If you are a pussy.

           

            Stop.

            In the name of love.

At a coffee shop.

            Small coffee - $5

            Small coffee, please - $3

            Good morning, may I have a small coffee, please -$2

After I drink coffee I like to show the IT guy the empty mug and tell him I have installed java.  He hate me.

Game of Thrones references

At a veterinarian: A Lannister always spays his pets.

Winter is coming!  Calm down, GoT nerds, just winterize your car.

The Simpsons are famous for their signs. 

·         Semi-Painless dentistry

·         Suicide Notes are Us – formerly Good Vibrations

·         Bloodbath and beyond gun shop

·         Pet store – as felt in Braille Weekly

·         It Blows – the air conditioning store

·         The Vast Waistband

·         U2 Moving Crew.  We move in mysterious ways

·         Dr. Nick Riviera – If I kill you, the operation is free!

·         Plastic surgery Center.  Correcting God’s mistakes.

·         Try our new beef flavored chicken.

·         Stern Lecture Plumbing – I told you not to flush that.

·         Lucky stiff funeral home.  We put the fun in funeral.

·         VHS Village.  Formerly the Beta Barn.

·         Family Fun Center.  As seen on ‘When Disaster Strikes 4’

           

A sign in a Shoe Repair store in Vancouver:  

We will heel you

We will save your sole

We will even dye for you.

A sign on a Blinds and Curtains truck:

“Blind man driving.”

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: 

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

In a Podiatrist's office:   

"Time wounds all heels.”

On a Septic Tank Truck:

"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels."

At an Optometrist's Office:

"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.”

On a Plumber's truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed.”

On another Plumber's truck:

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:

"Invite us to your next blowout.”

On an Electrician's truck:

"Let us remove your shorts.”

In a Non-smoking Area: 

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.”

On a Maternity Room door:

"Push. Push. Push.”

An old one from Woody

A couple in their 60’s was celebrating their 40^th anniversary.  Suddenly a tiny fairy appeared before them.  “For being such an exemplary married couple all this time I am going to grant each of you a wish.”

“Oh,” said the wife, “I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.” 

And *poof* She had two tickets for a round the world cruise in her hand.

“Well,” said the husband, “that is very nice but this is an opportunity I am not going to waste.  I want to have a wife that is twenty years younger than I am.”

His wife (and the fairy) were very disappointed, but a wish is a wish. 

And *poof* the man was 20 years older.

You see, the man forgot that fairies are also female.

Finally, for Mike:

To err is human.  To arrr is pirate.