Doctor! Doctor! JOW #918

Having had to deal with doctors recently I decided they would make a nice topic for a JOW.  As you get older, doctors become more familiar both as friends and professionally.  So, here are a few jokes you can share with your doctor; although not perhaps just before he operates on you. 

This is one of Woody’s favorite jokes:

After his death, a man found himself waiting in line before the Pearly Gates.  There was a long line in the clouds leading up to St. Peter who was checking the lives of the departed to determine if they could enter Heaven. 

Just as the man got to St. Peter, an large impressive man in a white coat with a stethoscope around his neck came pushing importantly through the crowd.

“Make way, make way, I’m a doctor.”

He rushed right past St. Peter and into Heaven.

“Do you automatically get into heaven if you are a doctor?” the man ask St. Peter.

“No,” replied Peter, “that was God.  He just likes to pretend he is a doctor.”

+++++++++++++++++

A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

A few minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
The doctor said, "Where?"
He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

What's the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.

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According to the intern the patient is not dead, he is ‘electroencephalographically challenged.’

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet -- I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?"

The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

My doctor suggested I join a gym, but I told him I could stay at home and watch people exercise just as easily on those fitness channels.

 <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

This one is better told than read.

A man needing a heart transplant is told by his doctor that the only heart available is that of a sheep. The man finally agrees and the doctor transplants the sheep heart into the man. A few days after the operation, the man comes in for a checkup. The doctor asks him "How are you feeling?" 

The man replies "Not BAAAAD!"

***************

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."
"And did he?"
"Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."

………………………..

"Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heard once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus."
"Don't worry, it won't happen to me. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia."

Which reminded me of this old pneumonia joke

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.

On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.

On his third visit the doctor told the man, "Go home and take a hot bath. As soon as you finish bathing throw open all the windows and stand in the draft."

"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."

"I know," said the doctor, "I can cure pneumonia."

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE:

Doctor, I have a stomach ache."
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1950 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, take this antibiotic."
2018 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

+++++++++++++++++++

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God answered, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided that since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.  She had a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She had a complete makeover with a new hairdo and color. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit by a car and died immediately.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years, why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the car?"

God replied, "I didn't recognize you."