Another Wordy JOW #925

In a recent series of email rants one of the participant in the thread used the word ‘ludicracy’.  This was followed by a brief discussion of whether or not it was a real word.  I myself absorbed it easily: an action that is ludicrous - much as lunacy is something that is lunacy.  That got me thinking about words and word play again.  The rest is JOW.  Or should that be ‘are’ JOW?  Does the verb need to agree with the singular word acronym or the plural words it references?

Enough grammar!  Here are some jokes this week.

Dick reminded me that the Washington Post has a yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
Here are some winners -
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absent mindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

========================

Hey, I invented a new word myself:  Plagiarism.  It means to take credit for someone else’s idea.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and go out, it could spell disaster.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

When I was younger there were only 25 letters in the Alphabet.  Nobody knew ‘why’.

----------------------

I am a poor speller.  I was taught that you put ‘i before e’… except when you run a ‘feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbor’ 

-------------------

Did you hear the one about the pregnant woman who went into labor and started shouting, “Couldn’t! Wouldn’t! Shouldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”?

She was having contractions.

***************

 A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke. Thank goodness it was a soft drink.

`````````````````````````

I wanted to go jogging but in the bible (Proverbs 28:1) it says ‘the wicked run when no one is chasing them.’

^^^^^^^^

Remember, saying ‘I’m sorry’ is the same thing as saying ‘I apologize.’  Except at a funeral.

Mike suggested some puns

·         What do you call a computer-savvy bee from America?  A USB

·         What do you call a clock on a belt?  A waist of time.

·         Can February March?  No but April May.

·         Being a vegetarian is a huge missed steak

·         "We'll have to rehearse that," said the undertaker as the coffin fell out of the car.

·         If you spent your day in a well, can you say your day was well-spent?

·         I Googled "how to start a wildfire". I got a lot of matches.

·         Apparently taking a day off is not something you should do when you work for a calendar company.

Grammar riddles -

Q: Why should you never date an apostrophe?

A: They’re too possessive

Q: What happened when the verb asked the noun to conjugate?

A: The noun declined.

Which just degenerated into stupid riddles

Q: What do you call someone who can't stick with a diet?

A: A desserter.

Q: What’s the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?

A: Snowballs.

Q: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

A: Everything’s fine. He woke up.

Q: What does a grape say after it’s stepped on?

A: Nothing. It just lets out a little wine.

Q: Why don’t teddy bears ever order dessert?

A: Because they’re always stuffed.

Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A: gummy bear.

Q: What happens when a frog’s car breaks down?

A: It gets toad away.

Q: Money doesn’t grow on trees, right?

A: So why does every bank have so many branches?

Q: Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil?

A: There’s no point.

Some random jokes:

From Pat

Over dinner, the mafia don asked his lawyer: “You know why Italian mothers make the best parole officers?  They refuse to let you finish a sentence.”

And another from Dick

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 75.

Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth , Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.  Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.  The gravesite was piled high with flours.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Finally, I will end with another poem, this one an epitaph:

Here lie the bones of one 'Bun'

He was killed with a gun.

His name was not 'Bun' but 'Wood'

But 'Wood' would not rhyme with gun

But 'Bun' would.

Insensitive old man JOW #924

I have noticed a certain crankiness in myself lately.  I assume it is more associated with aging; live long enough and you get to see enough BS that you are unwilling to put up with it.  A man reaches a certain age where he doesn’t want any drama.  Young men need to understand that an old man doesn’t want to fight anyone, but if he is forced to fight, do not expect him to fight fair.  He will not quit and there are no weapons he will not use.  He cannot out run or outfight an aggressor so he will kill him.  Don’t poke the old men. They will hurt you.

That grumpy warning out of the way here are some generally insensitive jokes.

+++++++++++++++

Think old and you will be old.

Think you and you will be a delusional old fart.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I was a young man it was actually permissible to shoot your wife’s lover if you caught him in the act.  This joke is from that era.

A man returns home a day early from a business trip.  It's after midnight.
While enroute home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness, because the man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act.
For $100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.  The husband switches on the lights and yanks the blanket back. There is his wife, naked as a jay bird, with an older man, also totally nude.
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, "Don't do it!  I lied when I told you I inherited money".
"HE paid for the Porsche I gave you".
"HE paid for your new fishing boat.."
"HE paid for your football season tickets.."
"HE paid for our house at the lake."
"And because of HIM, I can put an extra $2,000 in our checking account each month."
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.  He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do'?

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold."

 Bill sent this one: this is about older Texas women

One day, a Texas gentlewoman was driving across a high bridge in Austin. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixing to jump.  ("fixing" In Texas means: has the means or abilities to take action).

She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump, think of your dear mother and father."

He replied, " My mom and dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."

She said. "Well, think of your sweet wife and precious children."

He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."

She said, "Well, then you just remember the Alamo."

He replied, "What's the Alamo?"

She replied. "Well bless your heart!  You just go ahead and jump then.”

While I am on an insensitive track, here are a couple more.

Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie.   As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife.'

 Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

 Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'

 'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Donnie replies.

 'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?'

 'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, 

I said to her, "you must be Cooter's widow."  She said, 'You must be mistaken.  I'm not a widow.'

 Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'

 Or on a related note.

A chief petty officer had to notify one of his sailors that his mother had died.

At quarters that morning he addressed the men in formation.

“All right, I want everyone whose mother is still alive to take one step forward; not so fast Kowalski.”

Finally, some of you liked my father’s poetry.  Here is one more; I do love its cadences.

Note: it is not politically correct.

Hentirely So

I had a varied bunch of chickens

In a pen

And they used to raise the dickens

Now and then

Every rooster in the flock

Brahma, Leghorn, Plymouth Rock

Barnyard strain or blooded stock

Loved one hen

She was fickle and flirtatious

            Gay and spry

Coy, uncertain, pert, audacious

Likewise shy

When some valiant chanticleer

Tried to whisper I her ear

He’d receive a vicious spear

In his eye

Then one day a scrawny fellow

Old and tough

Bandy-legged, dingy yellow

Called her bluff

Female feathers filled the air

Squawks resounded everywhere

But he licked her then and there

Sure enough

From that very day and hour

She was meek

Missus Hen was in his power

So to speak

Followed him around the lot

Gave him every worm she got

Fed it to him like as not

With her beak

This is just a homely tale

But it’s true

Hen require a master male

Yes they do

He who hesitates is lost

Hold your ground at any cost

Hens delight in being bossed

Women, too

-Roderick Davis Pinney

Construction JOW #923

I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m a reasonably intelligent person who does moderately stupid things on a semi-regular basis. We recently screened in our back porch.  To complete the look we (Ruth) decided to put up a plank overhead, covering the exposed joists.  I spent the next few days putting up the planks.  Turned out to be a harder job that I expected.  I am so worn out that I won’t sit anywhere near the curb on trash day.  I guess my construction days are behind me.  But that did cause me to recall some construction jokes.  Enjoy:

++++++++++++

The homeowner was delighted with the way the painter had done all the work on his house. “You did a great job,” he said and handed the man a check.

“Also, in order to thank-you, here’s an extra $100 to take the missus out to dinner and a movie.” Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter. Thinking the painter had forgotten something the man asked, “What’s the matter, did you forget something?”

“Nope.” replied the painter. “I’m just here to take your missus out to dinner and a movie like you asked.”

~~~~~~~~~~~

Two blondes were roofing a house. One would pull out a nail and then hammer it into the roof. Then he would pull out another nail, look at it, and then throw it over his shoulder. Blonde two eventually saw what blonde one was doing, watched him a while and then said, "Why do you keep throwing out every other nail?"

The first blonde replied, "Because their point is on the wrong end."

The second blonde then said, "You airhead, those nails must be for the other side of the roof!"
====================
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
“Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is,” he said.
“I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to
that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.”
“You’re on, old man,” the braggart replied. “Let’s see what you got.”
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he said, “All right, Get in.

……………………………….

This small young city worker is sitting at the bar after work one night, when a big, hulking construction worker sits down next to him.

They get to talking over their beers and eventually the conversation gets on to nuclear war.

The young city guy says to the construction worker, "If you hear the sirens go off, the missiles are on their way, and you've only got 20 minutes left to live, what would you do?"

The construction worker replies, "That's easy - I'm gonna screw anything that moves."

The construction worker then asks the other guy what he'd do.

The young city worker replied, "I'm going to keep perfectly still."

`````````````````````````````````

The gay bar in our town burned down last night.

The blaze was attended by 80 firefighters.

And 40 Native American Indians, 30 construction workers and 20 cowboys.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Why did the nosey roofer do such a bad job?

He kept eavesdropping.

>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

I never wanted to believe my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home all the signs were there.

<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

While carpenters were working outside the old house a woman had just bought, she busied herself with indoor cleaning.

The lady had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom.

With dismay she looked from his muddy boots to her newly scrubbed floors.

“Just a minute,” she said, thinking of a quick solution; “I’ll put down newspapers.”

“That’s all right, lady,” he responded. “I’m already trained.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He replied, “I got shingles.”

She said, “Fill out this form and supply your name, address, medical insurance number. When you’re done, please take a seat.”

Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked him what he had.

He said, “I got shingles.”

So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical history, then said, “Change into this gown and wait in the examining room.”

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, “I got shingles.” So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, “Shingles.”

The doctor gave him a full-cavity examination, and then said, “I just checked you out thoroughly, and I can’t find shingles anywhere.”

The man replied, “They’re outside in the truck. Where do you want them?”

***********

Studies show that vegetarians live nine years longer than carnivores.  Nine additional lousy years without bacon.

==============

When you get older you tend to forget what it’s all about.  Which may be why I haven’t done the hokey pokey in years.

___________

I asked my voice assistant, “Alexa find Ninjas”

She replied “Ninjas cannot be found.”

Well, played ninjas, well played.

Some ‘deep thoughts’ from Bill

Be decisive.  Right or wrong make a decision.  The road of life is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision.

When people say ‘stop living in the past, my thought in turn is ‘but the music was so much better then.’

And finally

I got dive bombed by a mocking bird the other day when I walked out my back door.  Apparently she has a nest nearby.

So I ate a plate of scrambled eggs on my back porch – just to let her know what I am capable of.

Poems JOW #922

While back at my ancestral home of Jacksonville, Florida, I had occasion to get some artifacts from my past.  These included some of my father’s poetry.  Dad wrote a fair number of poems, and some have survived.  I have included a couple of the humorous ones in this set of jokes.  That got me thinking about poetry (a declining art) in general and funny poems in specific.  Poems form the theme for this week’s offerings.  Enjoy.

I will start with one of my favorite poetry jokes

A nurse is giving a young medical intern a tour of the hospital.
The intern approaches one bedridden patient and asks, “Why are you here?”

The patient replies, “Wee sleket cowerin’ timrous beastie/O, what a panic is in thy breastie.”
The intern moves on to the next bed and asks the same question, “Why are you here?”

The patient answers, “O, my luv is like a red, red, rose that’s newly sprung in June.”
The intern moves on to a third bed and asks again, “Why are you here” to which the third patient replies, “The best laid plans of mice and men, may often gang awry.”
At this the intern turns to the nurse and asks, “What ward is this anyway.”

And the nurse answers, “It’s the Burns Unit.”

Here are a couple of my father’s poems

My parents taught me not to smoke – I don’t

Nor listen to a naughty joke – I don’t

They made I clear that I must not wink

And pretty girls nor even think

About intoxicating drink – I don’t

To dance and flirt is very wrong – I don’t

Wild youths chase women, wine, and song – I don’t

I kiss no girls, not even one,

I do not know how it is done.

You wouldn’t think I have much fun

I don’t

-R.D. Pinney

A Southern Grammatical Note

Now all of you from other parts,

But city folk and rural

Listen while I tell you this

The word ‘you-all’ is plural

When we say ‘you-all come back

Or we-all will be lonely’

We’re speaking of a bunch of folks

And not one person only

Now I don’t mean to criticize

Or act as if I knew all.

But when we speak of only one

We say ‘you’ like you-all.

-R.D. Pinney

A chicken poetry reading:

Chicken

Road

The crossing is within

There is no other side

A woman’s Poem

Before I lay me down to sleep

I pray for a man who’s not a creep

One who’s handsome smart and strong

One who likes to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks

One who’ll call, not wait for weeks

I pray he rich and self-employed

And when I spend won’t be annoyed

Pull out my chair and hold my hand

Massage my feet and help me stand

Oh, send a king to make me queen

A man who loves to cook and clean.

I pray this man will love no other

And relish visits with my mother.

A Man’s Poem

I pray for a gymnast nymphomaniac

With big boobs who owns a bar on a golf course

And loves to send me fishing and drinking.

This doesn’t rhyme and I don’t care

-Attributed to ‘Pat Woody’

Another deeply felt poem

If you have a grief, nobody feels,

If you have a pain nobody feels.

If your heart is broken nobody feels,

but if you fart everyone understands.

Po poetry jokes

Po-Joke #1
Question: Why do Cowboys write poetry?
Answer: Because they’re inspired by the moos.

Po-Joke #2
Question: What is the highest honor among Cowboy poets?
Answer: Poet lariat.

Po-Joke #3
Question: Why didn’t the angry farmer divorce his wife when she traded
their prize milking cow for a book of poetry?
Answer: Because he vowed to love her for butter or verse.

Po-Joke #4
Question: How do poets say good bye?
Answer: “I’d like to linger a little longer but it’s getting aliter-ate.”

Po-Joke #5
Question: What did the poet say to Luke Skywalker?
Answer: “Metaphors be with you.”

Po-Joke #6
Question: What is a metaphor?
Answer: For grazin’ yer cattle.

Po-Joke #7
Question: What is a simile?
Answer: It’s like a metaphor.

Po-Joke #8
Question: How do poets say hello?
Answer: Hey, haven’t we metaphor?

Po-Joke #9
Question: Why did the boy poet introduce himself to the girl poet?
Answer: Because he wanted to meter.

Po-Joke #10
Question: How does a poet sneeze?
Answer: Haiku!!!

Po-Joke #11
Question: Why are poets always so poor?
Answer: Because rhyme doesn’t pay.

Po-Joke #12
Question: What do baby poets play with?
Answer: Tanka trucks.

Po-Joke #13
Question: What did William Wordsworth mean by “a spontaneous overflow of emotion recollected in tranquility”?
Answer: Puberty.

Po-Joke #14
Question: Why do poets despise writing commercial jingles?
Answer: Because jingles are ad-verse.

Po-Joke #15
Question: How is a book of poetry like O.J. Simpson’s testimony.
Answer: Nobody buys either one of them.

Po-Joke #16
Question: Where do poems come from?
Answer: Poe-trees.

Po-Joke #17
Question: Why did the traffic cop give the poet a ticket?
Answer: For driving without a poetic license.

Po-Joke #18
Question: Where do poets obtain poetic licenses?
Answer: From the DMV, the Department of Metrical Verse.

Po-Joke #19
Question: When is a carpenter with a 2×4 like a poem?
Answer: When he’s a sawin’ it.  (sonnet)

Po-Joke #20
Question: What do you get when you combine Robert Frost and James Bond?
Answer: The Road Not Shaken but Stirred.

Po-Joke #21
Question: What’s big and gray and writes poetry?
Answer: T.S. Elephant.

Po-Joke #22
Question: What’s a Grecian Urn?
Answer: About twenty thousand drachmas a year after taxes.

Po-Joke #23
Question: Why was John Keats always hounded by creditors?
Answer: Because he Ode so much.

I try to end my JOWs with one  that is off topic.  This one was from Bill, I think.

On their way to the church to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident.
Being good Catholics the young couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter finally showed up, they asked him.
St Peter said "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked.  Let me go find out" and he leaves them sitting at the Gate.
After three months, St Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes" he informs the couple "I can get you married in Heaven".
"Great!" said the couple "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
"You must be joking" says St. Peter, red-faced with frustration, slamming his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple".
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted "It took me three months to find a priest up here.....Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"