Another Wordy JOW #925

In a recent series of email rants one of the participant in the thread used the word ‘ludicracy’.  This was followed by a brief discussion of whether or not it was a real word.  I myself absorbed it easily: an action that is ludicrous - much as lunacy is something that is lunacy.  That got me thinking about words and word play again.  The rest is JOW.  Or should that be ‘are’ JOW?  Does the verb need to agree with the singular word acronym or the plural words it references?

Enough grammar!  Here are some jokes this week.

Dick reminded me that the Washington Post has a yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
Here are some winners -
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absent mindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

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Hey, I invented a new word myself:  Plagiarism.  It means to take credit for someone else’s idea.

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If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and go out, it could spell disaster.

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When I was younger there were only 25 letters in the Alphabet.  Nobody knew ‘why’.

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I am a poor speller.  I was taught that you put ‘i before e’… except when you run a ‘feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbor’ 

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Did you hear the one about the pregnant woman who went into labor and started shouting, “Couldn’t! Wouldn’t! Shouldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”?

She was having contractions.

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 A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke. Thank goodness it was a soft drink.

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I wanted to go jogging but in the bible (Proverbs 28:1) it says ‘the wicked run when no one is chasing them.’

^^^^^^^^

Remember, saying ‘I’m sorry’ is the same thing as saying ‘I apologize.’  Except at a funeral.

Mike suggested some puns

·         What do you call a computer-savvy bee from America?  A USB

·         What do you call a clock on a belt?  A waist of time.

·         Can February March?  No but April May.

·         Being a vegetarian is a huge missed steak

·         "We'll have to rehearse that," said the undertaker as the coffin fell out of the car.

·         If you spent your day in a well, can you say your day was well-spent?

·         I Googled "how to start a wildfire". I got a lot of matches.

·         Apparently taking a day off is not something you should do when you work for a calendar company.

Grammar riddles -

Q: Why should you never date an apostrophe?

A: They’re too possessive

Q: What happened when the verb asked the noun to conjugate?

A: The noun declined.

Which just degenerated into stupid riddles

Q: What do you call someone who can't stick with a diet?

A: A desserter.

Q: What’s the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?

A: Snowballs.

Q: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

A: Everything’s fine. He woke up.

Q: What does a grape say after it’s stepped on?

A: Nothing. It just lets out a little wine.

Q: Why don’t teddy bears ever order dessert?

A: Because they’re always stuffed.

Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A: gummy bear.

Q: What happens when a frog’s car breaks down?

A: It gets toad away.

Q: Money doesn’t grow on trees, right?

A: So why does every bank have so many branches?

Q: Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil?

A: There’s no point.

Some random jokes:

From Pat

Over dinner, the mafia don asked his lawyer: “You know why Italian mothers make the best parole officers?  They refuse to let you finish a sentence.”

And another from Dick

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 75.

Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth , Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.  Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.  The gravesite was piled high with flours.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Finally, I will end with another poem, this one an epitaph:

Here lie the bones of one 'Bun'

He was killed with a gun.

His name was not 'Bun' but 'Wood'

But 'Wood' would not rhyme with gun

But 'Bun' would.