Construction JOW #923

I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m a reasonably intelligent person who does moderately stupid things on a semi-regular basis. We recently screened in our back porch.  To complete the look we (Ruth) decided to put up a plank overhead, covering the exposed joists.  I spent the next few days putting up the planks.  Turned out to be a harder job that I expected.  I am so worn out that I won’t sit anywhere near the curb on trash day.  I guess my construction days are behind me.  But that did cause me to recall some construction jokes.  Enjoy:

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The homeowner was delighted with the way the painter had done all the work on his house. “You did a great job,” he said and handed the man a check.

“Also, in order to thank-you, here’s an extra $100 to take the missus out to dinner and a movie.” Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter. Thinking the painter had forgotten something the man asked, “What’s the matter, did you forget something?”

“Nope.” replied the painter. “I’m just here to take your missus out to dinner and a movie like you asked.”

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Two blondes were roofing a house. One would pull out a nail and then hammer it into the roof. Then he would pull out another nail, look at it, and then throw it over his shoulder. Blonde two eventually saw what blonde one was doing, watched him a while and then said, "Why do you keep throwing out every other nail?"

The first blonde replied, "Because their point is on the wrong end."

The second blonde then said, "You airhead, those nails must be for the other side of the roof!"
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The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
“Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is,” he said.
“I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to
that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.”
“You’re on, old man,” the braggart replied. “Let’s see what you got.”
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he said, “All right, Get in.

……………………………….

This small young city worker is sitting at the bar after work one night, when a big, hulking construction worker sits down next to him.

They get to talking over their beers and eventually the conversation gets on to nuclear war.

The young city guy says to the construction worker, "If you hear the sirens go off, the missiles are on their way, and you've only got 20 minutes left to live, what would you do?"

The construction worker replies, "That's easy - I'm gonna screw anything that moves."

The construction worker then asks the other guy what he'd do.

The young city worker replied, "I'm going to keep perfectly still."

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The gay bar in our town burned down last night.

The blaze was attended by 80 firefighters.

And 40 Native American Indians, 30 construction workers and 20 cowboys.

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Why did the nosey roofer do such a bad job?

He kept eavesdropping.

>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

I never wanted to believe my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home all the signs were there.

<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

While carpenters were working outside the old house a woman had just bought, she busied herself with indoor cleaning.

The lady had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom.

With dismay she looked from his muddy boots to her newly scrubbed floors.

“Just a minute,” she said, thinking of a quick solution; “I’ll put down newspapers.”

“That’s all right, lady,” he responded. “I’m already trained.”

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A man walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He replied, “I got shingles.”

She said, “Fill out this form and supply your name, address, medical insurance number. When you’re done, please take a seat.”

Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked him what he had.

He said, “I got shingles.”

So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical history, then said, “Change into this gown and wait in the examining room.”

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, “I got shingles.” So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, “Shingles.”

The doctor gave him a full-cavity examination, and then said, “I just checked you out thoroughly, and I can’t find shingles anywhere.”

The man replied, “They’re outside in the truck. Where do you want them?”

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Studies show that vegetarians live nine years longer than carnivores.  Nine additional lousy years without bacon.

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When you get older you tend to forget what it’s all about.  Which may be why I haven’t done the hokey pokey in years.

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I asked my voice assistant, “Alexa find Ninjas”

She replied “Ninjas cannot be found.”

Well, played ninjas, well played.

Some ‘deep thoughts’ from Bill

Be decisive.  Right or wrong make a decision.  The road of life is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision.

When people say ‘stop living in the past, my thought in turn is ‘but the music was so much better then.’

And finally

I got dive bombed by a mocking bird the other day when I walked out my back door.  Apparently she has a nest nearby.

So I ate a plate of scrambled eggs on my back porch – just to let her know what I am capable of.